Theirs is the Kingdom of God....

A friend posted this on facebook this morning and I had to share. For those that don't know, I work with children with special needs every day and know that I have witnessed the simplest form of faith in the eyes of those I serve. Children really do have a better grasp of God then we give them credit for...and moreover, they have a better grasp then we do because they don't question but also, I believe, because they are able to remember the arms of God around them while they rested in our wombs.
I envy my brother Kevin. He thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what I heard him say one night. He was praying out loud in his bedroom, and I stopped to hear him say, “Are you there, God? Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed.”

I giggled at him and went off to my own room. Kevin's unique perspectives are often a source of amusement to me. But that night I realized something else and thought about it long after I finished laughing. I realized for the first time what a very different world Kevin lives in. He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled because of complications during his birth. Apart from his size (he's 6’2” and built like a linebacker), he’s really not an adult.

He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 6-year-old, and always will. He’ll probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is watching and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.

I remember wondering if Kevin ever realizes he’s different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life? He’s up before dawn each day to work at a workshop for the disabled, comes home to walk our cocker spaniel, returns to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese dinner at least 5 nights a week, and later goes to bed. The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child. He never seems dissatisfied with his life and is happy every day. He trots out to the bus every morning at 7:05, always happily looking forward to his day of simple work.

He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, even though it’s the same thing almost every night, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's laundry chores.

And Saturdays - oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soda, watch the planes land, and wonder loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. Kevin shouts as he claps his hands and wonders about the destination of the passengers on each flight. His anticipation for that simple trip is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights. And he goes through his world of the same daily rituals and the same weekend trip, every day, every week.

Kevin doesn't, and probably never will, know what it means to be discontent. His life is simple and he takes delight in it. He’s the most content person I know. Kevin will never know the complications of wealth or power. He doesn’t care what brand of clothes he wears, as long as he has some green shirts (green’s his favorite color), or what kind of food he eats. His simple needs have always been met, and he never worries that he doesn’t have “more.”

He’s diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he’s working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it. He never gives up on a job when he starts, and gives it his all until it’s finished. But when he’s done, he knows how to relax. He’s not obsessed with other people’s work, with what they’re doing or not doing, but just pays attention to his own. His heart really is pure.

He still believes everyone tells the truth, that promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize. Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin isn’t afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry, or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. What you see really is what you get with him. And he REALLY trusts God.

When he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a way that an “educated” person never will be. To Kevin, God feels like his closest companion.

In my own moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith. It is then that I am most willing to admit that he must have some divine knowledge that rises far above mine. It’s then I realize that maybe Kevin isn’t the one with the handicap; I am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances, my desire for more, more, more - they all become disabilities because I can’t seem to trust them to God's care the way Kevin can.

I wonder if Kevin just easily comprehends things I can never learn. I wonder if, when it comes to God, Kevin has wisdom I will never gain. After all, he’s spent his whole life in that kind of simple innocence, praying after dark every night and soaking up the goodness and love of God.

One day, when all the mysteries of heaven are opened, and all of us see how close God really was to our hearts, we'll realize that God really hears us and always heard the simple prayers of a boy who always believed that God lived under his bed. Everyone will be surprised. Except for one person, that is. Kevin won't be surprised at all, and he’ll wonder why we would be because, to him, God was always right there whenever he wanted or needed Him, right under his bed.

Matthew 19:14 But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."


Such a wonderful message.

Spiritual Gifts

This was the topic of Pastor Jeff’s sermon a few weeks ago and then again in the devotion book Geoff and I do a few days ago. It’s gotten me to thinking and then digging even further into it with a very lengthy ‘debate’ (that is a polite word for some words being exchanged online by people on opposite ends of the spectrum, some that weren’t very ‘politically appropriate’) about issues around what to do when you find out your babies have TTTS. And since it was a lengthy debate you get a lengthy novel post by yours truly LOL!
Pastor Jeff got me to thinking about my gifts when he said something along the lines of ‘God wants us to be a purpose driven people. He wants us to do good works and he gives us the tools so we can do this’.
Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)
10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

He encouraged us to think about what our spiritual gifts are and ask ourselves if we are using them to the best of our ability and for the right reasons.
Hmmmmm spiritual gifts….I really have no idea what this means in the eyes of a church or religion. Wikipedia defines it as this…
In Christianity, spiritual gifts (or charismata) are endowments given by the Holy Spirit. These are the supernatural graces which individual Christians need to fulfill the mission of the church.

There are lists of various types of gifts and after reading them all, I think this is the one that most applies to me, to what I believe is my gift and how I use it…but I’ll get to that in a bit.

16. Mercy: "The special ability that God gives to certain members of the Body of Christ to feel genuine empathy and compassion for individuals (both Christian and non-Christian) who suffer from distressing physical, mental, or emotional problems, and to translate that compassion into cheerfully done deeds which reflect Christ’s love and alleviate the suffering."
This gift is a practical gift. Those with this gift find themselves visiting and assisting those in need, and often feel the pain of the person they are helping within themself. People with this gift find it extremely difficult not to help those who seem less fortunate than themself.


I am not really sure if this is what spiritual gifts really means or just what some religions tell us that this is what is meant… but then again I am not sure if Jesus really cares what the classification of the gif t is but rather if we are using them or not.
Until I did this research I believed spiritual gifts to be talents you have, skills you have that you can use to better the world. (Back to Ephesians 2:10 again…different version this time….
Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)
10 For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.


And I had come to believe that this bettering is to hopefully be a form of evangelism…for if you are using your gifts and praising God through your gifts then others should see this in you…and from there, they will hopefully see how our amazing Lord is working in you. This belief was highly supported by what Pastor Jeff spoke about that Sunday…that by using your gifts, by being the masterpiece that God created you to be, you will be doing the good works He intended for you. And by doing these good works you will be showing others the strength of your Christian character….maybe even making them wonder what the secret to our happiness and contentedness in life is and wanting some of that for themselves.
Before I did this research I believed my gifts to be my writing and my ability to use words to express compassion, empathy, understanding, kindness and to use my gift of expression to give hope, to show that peace and hope can come after loss. I have said this before and I will use it as a mantra for my life I think…. ‘God gave me Cole and Cameron for a great and wonderful purpose. TTTS took one of them, made me fear for and protect (forever) the other and changed me forever. I believe that I was given TTTTS and this journey I am on because I am meant to impact others’ lives with my ability to express myself about how this journey has affected me. I am very certain that one purpose for me on this journey is to help others, to support them, to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on and be there for them when they need an understanding friend. I do that through words which I seem to have a talent for putting together well…maybe not always orally but through written word. I have been told since the day I began blogging about our journey…back about 3 years and 9 days ago that I have a gift, a talent for writing. And so I believe I need to use that talent.
And I still believe this is my gift from God, a spiritual gift of sorts. But obviously the true gift is the gift of mercy….the basis for my desire to help others through their TTTS journey, their baby loss journey, their loss of any loved one journey, their journeys through struggles, crisis and burdens … all of this ties in to the gift that God has given me to feel genuine empathy and compassion for individuals who are suffering.
Now to why this gift has become a focus of conversation for me lately….
About 2 weeks ago a mom of TTTS survivors was giving support and advice to a mom who had just been diagnosed and told her to stay away from reading the ‘bad’ stories and the ‘bad’ outcomes and the hairs on my neck stood up. I got defensive and rightfully so. I didn’t present it maybe in the best way and that ended up getting others of single survivors and double losses involved as well. The big focus of my message that I posted over and over again was this…. When a parent of mono-di twins is diagnosed with TTTS…heck when the parent of any fetus is diagnosed with a serious condition , I believe it is their job to be their child’s/children’s best advocate and in order to do this they need to be educated in all aspects of what is affecting their child. I also know, first hand, that not being informed about all the scenarios of the disorder leads to an even more intense devastation when things don’t turn out the way you expected….when they aren’t just the outcome of the ‘good’ stories. We were not prepared to lose Cole. We were told of the percentages but we were given very good odds for double survival at admittance. Things progressed but this was explained to us by another doctor (Dr. Ryan and his fellow) and even then, there was still much optimism. We learned, then, about things like velamentous insertion (the cord being inserted into muscle, in our case 11cm, away from the edge of the placenta) and placental share but I didn’t look those things up, I didn’t know I should. I had no idea how often babes with poor share and poor insertion pass away after surgery. If I had, I would have been prepared. If I’d read about fetal anemia I would have been prepared for Cameron needing his transfusion after Cole passed away, I would have understood how serious it was and would have known that the transfusion was saving his brain and maybe his life…and was not something I would want to say no to…not that I considered it.
And so I spouted off about why I believe new diagnosed families need to read all stories. And of course that got some people worked up. Every one of those who got worked up had double survivors.. which proved a point to me…they don’t even really look at all angles, even after their babies are born.
Basically we, the parents with losses, were told over and over that our stories take away hope…of course it was presented in a much more positive way but that was the bottom line. I disagreed and still do. The fact that I never lost hope, even in my darkest moments, says that my story and meeting me online, is worthwhile and might easily give someone else hope. No wait, it did give someone else hope…and someone who has double survivors I might add! It did not seem to matter what we said, these angel mommy friends and I…and tons of double survivor moms too…some of these moms refused to concede that A)it might be a good idea to be educated in all aspects and outcomes, that B) hope can be found in the story that has your worst case scenario, that C) you might save your babies lives or at least impact their outcome by reading a story of an outcome you hope you never see and that D) they have these opinions about what NOT to read because they have the ‘best’ outcome…that because they have two survivors they are unable to put themselves in the place that contains what ifs, maybe I could or should have and what else could I know about this. And this last one is the one that pisses me off. NOT AT ALL because they have double survivors…I am so past that. No what makes me so angry is that someone who had the ‘best’ outcome thinks they have the right to advice someone not to educate themselves and prepare themselves for what could be their outcome.
In the end these discussions ended up with the founder of the TTTS Foundation ‘reprimanding’ us all for talking about all of this when we should be supporting the mom who originally posted about her babies. Valid point and I feel bad about that. But the fact is this support group presents things in a light that is often very positive and very one sided. They promote therapies like drinking boost and having horizontal bedrest as a way to ‘stop’/treat TTTS . Don’t’ get me wrong, this has worked for some cases…cases that never progressed past stage 1…but still!!!! This group seems heavy into support for those pregnant with 2 living babies and the end result of those double survivor pregnancies. Ok, ok..I am not here to bash anyone and I am. STOP!!!! Anyway…in the end this founder posted a note to us all to think of what we wanted our babies message to be to the world; what did we want their voice to be and were we really singing their song.
And you know what…I am! I am so very proud of the song I sing for my children. I am so very happy that I am able to tell their story with joy and hope and with peace. I am so glad that God has given me the gift of mercy…the ability to reach out with compassion and empathy…even when reliving it might be hard. I am so glad that He has given me the strength to reach out and even more so, the writing talent to be able to put those words down that give that comfort, hope and strength.
The voice I want for my babies, especially my angel, is the voice I sing with each day. It is a voice of empathy, compassion and support. It’s a song of hope and peace after loss. It’s a song of deep and purposeful meaning of a mission I am confident that God and my angel son guide me sing. It is my song and I will continue to sing it, and pray that will help others, until the day that I day.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!
I know, I am a bit late. Truth be told, I blogged so much in December that I needed to take a break. And now I have one for today and likely another with days.
Today I want to post, publicly, my goals for 2012…not resolutions because if that was the case, I’m already busted. But instead I have goals that I believe will be achievable but I also know that I will struggle with them at times, I will be tempted to quit and I promise that I will work hard at overcoming the obstacles in my way.
Yesterday in church Pastor Jeff spoke about extreme makeovers and what that can look in your relationship with Christ. I think 2011 was the year for that in so many areas of my life. Most definitely in my faith but also, for those that have seen the pictures, in me, my size, my health and my attitude.

This was me in the fall of 2010

This was me in July...about 30lbs lighter but not really exercising yet.

And me just a month ago or so... 50 lbs lighter!!!


And although 2011 consisted of a pretty extreme makeover, I don’t think that it is over yet.
Ephesians 2:10(NLT)
10 For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

I don’t believe that we are ever done growing and changing, that God is ever done working on each of his masterpieces. He gives us challenges, brings us new joy, creates a path for us so that we will do the things that he planned for us the day we were born. Earlier this fall I began reading a book called ‘Thin Within’…not sure if I mentioned it or not. It is a grace approach to weight loss and it really has changed many areas of my life. But I’ve slipped there and found myself unfocused, not listening to my body, to my stomach, to my head and to my heart when it came to food. Well maybe I listened to my heart and ate for emotional reasons but I did not listen to it from the aspect of the love God has for me and how much he wants me to be my God given size.
So my goals for 2012….
My first and most important goal is to learn more about the Lord and grow my relationship with Christ. When I look back at all the things that happened in this past year and at where my faith journey has gone I am amazed and yet I am also aware that many things, positive things, did not change. I was surprised by this. I thought I’d changed, grown and that before I thought differently but I realize that I am the same person deep inside , that what I thought about my life and my journey, what I valued and who I was really aren’t the same inside. The difference is, I think, on the outside. I that is what I wish to work on…projecting the love I have for the Lord in all that I do, to improve the way I interact with others, to follow his teachings in all that I do and say. To achieve the first part of this goal, to learn more about God I am planning to read the bible from start to …..well to wherever I get to I guess. I have started and am following ‘My Daily Bread’ s bible in a year guide. So far I have read up to Genesis 23…and am already about 6 chapters behind. Oh well…all in due time.

Ephesians 4:16 (NLT)
16 He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.


My second goal is centered around my health because I know that I have been given the gift of this life and this healthy body for a reason…I just need to make the body last as long as possible! First and foremost I need to concentrate when I am eating, focus on my food and not get distracted…and therefore eat too much. I need to pay attention to my body and only eat if I am hungry. And above all, I need to remember who gave us the gift of the food we eat and give thanks for it. (A tip from Thin Within… for one meal thank God for each bite you eat as you eat it and really concentrate on how good it tastes…I was amazed how amazing it tasted and how quickly I became full because I took the time to eat and be thankful)
I want to eat healthier (boy have the last few weeks been hard on my weight loss…it’s been a gain). I finally conceded today that I have to enter my current weight into the program I use and stop putting it off until I weigh what I did a month ago or so…that isn’t being honest but moreover it’s not encouraging. I need to see the numbers coming down again on paper or the computer screen, I need my online friends who are part of the program I use (myfitnesspal.com … I highly recommend this program and especially it’s smartphone app) to be able to encourage me when I do put in the weekly weigh in amounts…which at my current weight and loss rate compared to where I was…well it would have been a month maybe before I’d be seeing ‘Jodie has lost 0.5 lbs since her last weigh in (6 weeks ago LOL).

I need to get vegetables back into my diet more and I need to eat sweets less. I need to add in healthier protein and take out more fat. I also, desperately, need to get back to exercising every day. No I need to get back to doing cardio more often and continue exercising every week day and adding in weekends too. Right now I do 20 min utes of weights each morning 4-5 days a week but never get cardio in except to walk extra steps during my work day. I used to walk almost every day for 30-40 minutes. So my goal… 20 min of cardio 2 evenings and one morning a week and 20+ minutes of weights 4 times a week. My goal for the weekends is to take as many steps as possible (chasing Cameron around the arena does count LOL) and do one 20 minute cardio workout over the course of the weekend.

My last goal for 2012 is to finish my book. It’s coming… I wrote (well took from the start of my blog and rewrote) another big section over the holidays AND I finally got it out to a few friends to have them look it over, give me their opinion on the styles I’ve written it in. I still don’t know what I plan to do with it when it is done. I am thinking my first place I will send it to is the publisher of the book that my boys story is already in…. Forever Linked.

But if anyone has suggestions, knows a publisher, has you friend…etc… you get the drift. I’d love to get some information and start looking at that aspect of it.
So 2012 looks like the beginning of another great leg in my journey of life.

Light up my life

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope that it was as amazing as mine and can only hope that you were as filled with love, joy, hope and peace as I was. I can only hope that it filled you with as much light too.
The final advent candle, advent theme, is light...the light of Christ. The candle is often called the Christ candle and before this year I had really never given that any thought. But then again, until this year, I had never really given much of anything in Advent much of a thought and had never given Christ in my life much of a thought either.
But this year was different for so many reasons. This year I was in a new church, surrounded by candle light, radiant images and amazing new friends (and of course a very wiggly, very loud, very energetic Cameron!!!). This year I found myself mesmerized by the flickering flame of the candle and very absorbed by what the light of Christ really means and what Christmas really means.

I've always been someone who said that we need to celebrate 'the reason for the season', I've always been driven crazy by people that want to change this time of year to 'winterfest', who want us to say 'happy holidays' and who have a 'holiday tree'. I've always known that CHRIST is the first word in Christmas and I've always thought about celebrating Christmas because of the birth of Jesus. I've even been able to well comprehend (or so I thought) that Christ is the light of the world. But this year the Christ candle wasn't just something we light on Christmas eve, the light wasn't just something that flowed from the wreath, the tree. This year that image of Christ's light was totally different.

This year I realized that Christmas is, obviously, not about presents or Christmas trees or Santa. It's not about dinners and time with family and friends (thought those are wonderful). It's not just about Jesus being born in that cold stable to a mother who was a virgin, to an earthly father who, despite knowing that this was not what he ever imagined his life would be and not really want he wanted to do with this woman he was to marry committed to being there for this infant child. It's not just about the miracle of this birth, a baby sent from God the Father. It's not JUST that.
It's about what this birth means, what was given to us in this birth...the light that the world was given through the birth of our saviour. The birth of our saviour...what a term. I mean, how many times have you used it, sang it, said it and seen it written. For me, it was just part of what I said at Christmas but now, well now it is something that just amazes me, brings me hope and makes me want to cry tears of joy for the wonderment of this gift.
God gave us the best Christmas present ever. He gave us a baby that would grow up to teach the world and to change the world. He gave us His son, knowing that this child would grow to be a man who would not live an easy life but who would build a legacy. He gave us His son knowing that man would eventually kill His child. He knowingly brought this baby into the world to die.
But what a death that would be. A death that erases all of our sin, a death that brings us to the Lord. That little baby wasn't just someone who was going to change the way that we thought of God, he wasn't just a baby who would change the world's thinking. He was a baby that would do all these things and then, when the time came for man to fear the changes this baby who had grown to be a powerful teacher brought, the power that he had over all who believed in him and his father, he would willingly die to further teach these people. He gave his life so that we could be forever forgiven of our sins. He gave his life so that we could have eternal life by simply admitting that he is the son of God, that he gave his life for us, that he is our Saviour and by asking for forgiveness for these sins and for Christ to live in our hearts and in our lives.
Christmas for me, now , means so much more than just his birth and the celebration of it. I always got that part, I always understood Christmas to be the celebration of the birth of baby Jesus. But now I get that it is the celebration of the birth of change, of a gift greater than anything imaginable. It is the celebration of the love of a wondrous God, the celebration of a joy that fills the earth. It is the celebration of the hope that our lives have great purpose even during the times that we are so unsure, so burdened. The celebration of a hope for eternal life, of salvation. It is the celebration of a peace that fills us when we know that we have this gift, this love, joy and hope. A peace that fills us when we know that we are a forgiven people because Christ loved us so much.
Christmas will never be the same for me again because I get it now, I get how amazing this gift really is.

May this light fill your life, may the love of Christ, the joy of the spirit, the hope for tomorrow and the peace that fills your heart fill you with light.
Merry Christmas everyone!

And Peace...at last

I've thought a lot about how I want to end this last entry for this project I took on. I am actually not entirely sure this is the last one as I thought I might blog about light...as the light of Christ, the Christ candle is the last candle light in some faith practices. Regardless how to blog about peace...at last. I decided to pull from two blog entries from all most one year ago as that was where this peace I have felt for the last year began to happen. I am so much further ahead from even then and I know that the thanks for that falls entirely at the feet of our Lord. He has done this for me and I am so amazed by everything that has happened in my life in the last year. Anyway...

One more comforting thing I want to share. It’s personal and completely about Cole. Well not completely. I wanted to share about my intense feelings of things being okay and being at the greatest place of peace I have ever felt since he passed away. The reason... Brian, my friend who passed away a few weeks ago. Recently I have been feeling such an intense sense of calmness and peace when it comes to Cole and I really believe that is because I believe that Brian is looking after Cole...and maybe Cole is looking after Brian too. I think that in my heart I just needed to know that Cole was being looked after in Heaven, wherever that may be. That someone was stepping into the role of parent and raising my son for me. I know that God is there for him, but let’s be honest, He’s got a lot on his plate. I am sure that God has many great parents up there for Cole but it brings me great comfort to know that one of my friends will be giving the love that he had for his kids here on earth and doing the amazing job he did as Dad to them to my son. As much as it makes me so very sad that Cole will spend his life away from me and that Brian will not be there to see his kids grow up, it also makes me feel very much at peace to know that he is there for Cole and that they will have each other.

and


Something that I have stressed often though is that this is so very hard to get to, this place of peace, for some anyway. Actually it isn't the place of peace that comes first for me, it's the place of acceptance. It has taken me so long to accept that I just have no control over the major things that happen in my life. When we found out we were expecting the twins I was blown away...couldn't have seen that one coming for anything. I questioned why and how but came to a place of acceptance. When we lost Cole I questioned again and in all honesty I am not always done questioning. But right from the start I believed there was great purpose for this 'twinness' to come to my life, for Cole to be my son in Heaven and not on earth. I believed God had a plan for me, the mommy left behind. When I was in the very early stages of the loss..the first 3 months or so after he passed away...really before he was born, I was sure I knew part of the reason... I felt it MUST be to bring our family closer, to get Geoff and I working together better as parents etc. Each time that would blow up in my face, each time I would get a call from home that left me upset, angry, frustrated etc. I would question this plan or question myself. In time (okay in a very very long time) I came to realize that I just might not EVER understand fully this plan but I could accept it, I could take God into my heart and ask Him to help me get there, help me make good choices, help me be what He wants me to be...to guide me. I feel so drawn to helping others, so drawn to fundraising, raising awareness and now to writing my book. I am very certain that I was left behind for a reason and that part of this is the reason.
Incidentally, I am thinking of calling the book "The Ones Left Behind" but struggle with this since the first third of the book or so will be about the pregnancy and before the loss...but we'll see. And for those reading this who wonder what the heck I am talking about...I set a lofty goal for 2011...to turn this blog and other writing I've done into a book about our TTTS journey. So far it reads like letters to my boys but in adult tones. Some of it is conversation and interactions with others and others is just feelings, emotions and personal messages to them. I hope that it will all come together to show how much my boys have taught me and that being left behind with an angel watching out for you is a pretty amazing thing.
I'm going to leave this blog with another poem that was shared online in this same group...I really like it and think it captures just how I've come to feel about God...

No Footprints

I've listened to the "footprints" poem
a million times or more
Of how when only one set shows
upon the sandy shore
It is the Lord carrying us
and taking on our load
And His are the only set
of footprints that showed.

But what if when we look
there are no footprints to be found?
All we see is plain and simple
sand upon the ground.
No imprints showing that our Lord
is carrying us through life
Helping us when we feel
we can not handle all this strife.

Where is my Lord now that I've fallen
and can't seem to get back up?
So tired and lonely
trying to deal with what seems
an overflowing cup.
Where are those footprints
in the sand
to tell me He's right there?
Helping me with problems
and showing that He really does care.

Does He have favorites, OH NO,
please tell me that's not so!
By why does life seem easier
for some people that I know?
And sometimes I just scream out loud
although it seems in vain,
but often it gets harder each day
to deal with all this pain.

And then it dawned on me
as I realize how simple could it be.
I wonder why I was so blind
that I truly did not see.
It must have been a lightning bolt
that one day gave me light,
Cause out of the clear blue sky,
I finally regained my sight.

I saw a fluffy white cloud
shaped like an Angel dear.
That helped me to understand
and see things oh so clear,
That when I saw no footprints
and so often wondered why,
My Lord carried me on Angel wings,
when He decided to fly.
(by LyndyAngel)

There just seemed to be no other words than the ones I've already wrote to convey this journey of peace. It's an ongoing journey but one I know that I can feel confident is no longer in it's infancy. This project has kept it real for me this year...I searched for scripture on hope, love, joy and peace but more than that, I have searched my soul for these things. I am so very happy that peace is the last week because it just comes all together and the end result is peace. Even this week, that brought such sadness to me and so many of my friends, past co-workers and past students...even with that, I am still so full of peace.
May God bless you all with peace now and forever.
Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you and Happy Birthday dear Jesus...I am so very glad You came here to save us all and so filled with joy that You have come into my life and my heart.

Peace after loss...poems and messages to give hope and peace

Today is a sad day...I didn't want to end my last week before Christmas holidays saying goodbye to a dear friend, but I did. I wept many tears today and hugged many a good friend. I felt peace in God's house though, and I think, all in all, I am doing okay.
I decided to just put some poems here today that I found...I don't have the energy to write much...maybe tomorrow....

Peace my heart...

Peace, my heart, let the time for the parting be sweet.
Let it not be a death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way.

~Rabindranath Tagore


A Parable of Immortality

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch until at last she hangs
like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says,
" There she goes! "

Gone where?

Gone from my sight . . . that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the place of destination.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment
when someone at my side says,
" There she goes! "
there are other eyes watching her coming . . .
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout . . .

" Here she comes! "

~Henry Van Dyke




Path Of Peace
By Paul Mc Cann


Peace is an easy path to tread
Peace is where our fears are mislaid
Peace is beginning to restore
Peace for each man, woman and child
Peace for the troubled streets gone wild
Peace is for the old and the young
Peace in the end will overcome
Peace builds trust into a lifestyle
Peace is a friendly open hand
Peace is a place to understand
Peace in the end will overcome
Peace is for the old and the young
Peace is a legacy to leave
Peace is when we don't have to grieve
Peace is and end to all the hate
Peace is why we negotiate
Peace for all the victims of war




Peace be with you Laurie and with your loving family...you shall be missed so much my friend.

Finding your peace

I decided today to write about some of the things that I have been working on to achieve my inner peace. Not all of them work, not all are my ideas or things I have done but they are things I have read about and researched and I think worth sharing.

Acceptance
As hard as it is, your life is not yours and there are things you cannot change. There is only so much we can influence or affect adn what we can't change, should not be a concern to us. I have noticed with so many people, that they focus on the things that have happened, on the things that we have no control over. Why worry about something that all the worrying in the world will not change? Why should we care about what other people think of us when we really have no idea what they are thinking anyway? Once you open your eyes to this, open your mind to the fact that there are things that you have no influence, and start accepting that you cannot change it, you immediately relieve yourself of a mountain of worry and anxiety. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Taking this path leads to a road of peace.
This has been very instrumental for me in the last few months in achieving my sense of peace. I used to live for wishes, what ifs and thoughts of change. I used to worry about what others thought of me (okay, I am still working on this one) and about things that were beyond my control. I have worked at giving this worry up, trusting in God and just living for each moment.

Meditate
I don't do this enough but I am trying. A resource I found online says that if you have a lot on your mind and you feel like your thoughts are driving you crazy, meditation can help you find peace. Simply close everything, sit back, close your eyes, and clear your mind of every single thought. Focus on the emptiness. I have a hard time shutting off my thoughts, even for just a few minutes but I am trying.

Spend time in nature

We spend so much time indoors, so much time at a desk, a computer, an office, in a car... our time often doesn't feel like our own. But we humans naturally belong in nature and that is why it feels good to be outdoors when you choose to be (I don't choose to be on yard duty and therefore, in -10 C weather, with the snow and wind blowing , I don't find a lot of peace! But when I can, I go for a walk. I often pray then or talk to God. In the fall I often take my camera and capture pictures of what brings me Joy in God's great world. If you feel overwhelmed, take a stroll outside where there are tons of trees and far from the city. Be there and just enjoy the sights, the sounds, and the peace.

Learn the power of a smile
I stole this directly from a blog....
Whenever you are laughing or smiling, something interesting happens. Not only does something happen on a chemical level to make you feel better, but it also stops all stress and negativity from entering your psyche. A simple smile can make such a difference. For example, the other day I mishandled a dish and it fell on the floor, breaking into pieces, creating a big mess. Now, I could have been angry with myself for being clumsy and thinking “here’s another reason why life sucks!”. But I did the opposite. I began to smile and kind of make fun of myself for not being able to hold on to that plate properly. As I cleaned up the mess, there was no bitterness or anger. As a matter of fact, I did it with a smile on my face…I did it with peace. So whenever you find yourself in a similar predicament, just think of the silver lining, and don’t be shy to poke fun at yourself. You will quickly realize that peace finds its way much more easily to you when you smile.
I smile a lot... so many people have commented that I've seemed so strong and so positive about the journey my life has taken. So many people are so surprised and concerned when that smile is not on my face...so I guess I do a good job of bringing peace through my smile!

Think outwardly

Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in our own world, our own worries and fears. But looking around you, looking at the world and seeing what is out there opens our eyes to the realization that the world does not revolve around our problems. Sometimes we just need to remember how big the world is. Read up on other countries, educate yourself about other countries. It helps to humble us I think. Looking beyond ourselves is very important in finding peace and leads to....

Care for others

You can't find inner peace by looking in the mirror. You need to look around you and not only focus on your own needs and wants. When you begin to genuinely care about other people, so much goodness just seems to be everywhere. This in turn helps in solidifying your inner peace. It can be people close to you or absolute strangers, but any act of kindness and goodwill brings out personal peace. When I help other people, I stop thinking about all that is supposedly wrong in my life, I forget about what causes me to be sad or what brought me to this place and I begin to see all the amazingly awesome things in my life. And then I realize that my life isn’t so bad after all. There is great peace and wisdom in thinking and caring about other people, which we are blind to when we are too deep within our own selfish ways.


Never lose hope
I think I covered so much of this in the first week but hope is something you can never afford to lose. Hope brings, to you, a road to peace. When we get caught up in stress, worry and are overwhelmed within our own life, we forget that hope. We seem to forget that the sun always shines tomorrow, and that this is merely a jog in the road that we weren't planning to take. It has taken me a long time to come to this point of believing deep within my heart, that everything will be ok. But I have gotten there and it has brought me such peace. With hope, I know that whatever seems horrible, is only temporary and that eventually, things will be just fine.

Embrace your faith or beliefs
You obviously all know that I am a Christian and have found great peace in a realtionship with Christ but do I believe that is the only way to find peace...I am not sure. What I do know is that whatever you believe, you must embrace it with your entire being. Be within that beliefe, that faith 100% and peace will find its way into your heart. We may not all agree on what to believe, on what faith is the way etc but we can all likely admit that those that have a strong faith are those that we know that have found peace. There is a reason why research has shown that people that are deeply devoted to their faith have a higher life expectancy and are less likely to have diseases such as cancer. This is because they experience more inner peace, which is important if you want to increase the quality of your life.


Live in the now
Most of the time, what we worry about is relating to something either in the past, or something that hasn’t happened. Living in the present moment erases all of this. Can you change the past...nope! Should we worry about things that we don't even know if or when they will happen? Of course not...do we do it, of course! Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. In this very moment, living for now...that is where you find true inner peace. In the present moment, there are no problems and no concerns. There is only stillness, and it is within that stillness that you can uncover peace. I used to be someone who worried about things that had already happened, things I had done or said etc. I worried how that would affect my future, I worried what others thought of me because of it. I realized that I can't change what has already happened and that most likely, it happened for a reason that is beyond my scope. I realized that even the best laid plans for the future are completely out of our control in all essence. Once I learned to live in the present moment, I stopped thinking about the past and any potential future, and just worried about being ever-present in each and every moment. My life is definitely more peaceful since then!