Everyone needs something to believe in

I decided today to post some movie clips that speak of hope.  I went on a hunt and found two that really suited my needs.

http://www.wingclips.com/movie-clips/rango/believe-in-something

I haven't actually seen this movie but I love when the old turtle shows the lizard (gecko, iguana???) the town.
"You see them, Mr Rango? All my friends and neighbors. It's a hard life here. Very hard. Do you know how they make it through each and everyday? They believe. They believe it's going to be better. The believe that the water will come. They believe against all odds and evidence that tomorrow will be better than today."

And that is exactly what hope is.  The belief that, against all odds sometimes, better times will come.  I think that's about all that got me through some of the darkest days after Cole passed away... the hope that it couldn't get any worse than it was right then and there.  I remember when my water broke and I woke Geoff up. I said to him, 'when will this nightmare end' but I never cried, I never truly feared anything for Cameron.  I had this sense of hope, this sense that everything was going to be ok...that it couldn't get worse so it had to get better.

http://www.wingclips.com/movie-clips/the-war/billys-resurrection

This video is from a movie I'd never even heard of.  It gave me mixed emotions as I wrote about hope...because I had such hope that both my boys would live and they didn't.  But this movie shows that determined hope that wraps itself around us sometimes and won't let us give up, won't let us listen to others when they tell us to give up.  Stu is so obviously still hurting from losing his father and looked up to him so much.  He begs Billy to breath telling him that his Daddy says that people can do things that they put their heart to as long as they believe they can.  His faith in God is interesting... he begs him not to take Billy the way he took his Dad.  It shows that he is still filled with the hope that the end prize is time with God, that God is ultimately good.  

But the biggest display of hope comes in the clip when Billy breathes and shares with his friends that he saw an angel who held his hand and, though Billy thought he was going to stay and live in this kingdom, the angel told him to go back and take care of his dad.  The faces of the other children tells it all, it shows that hope. And when it becomes very clear that the angel was Stu's dad this hope, this certainty that life is never truly over but rather continues in heaven, is renewed and strengthened in all the children.  This hope that we will see our loved ones again is strengthened in all who view this I think.

It's what has gotten me through many difficult times, many times where I just can't understand how this can be my life, why I am the one who gets to be the mommy of an angel and his identical twin instead of two identical twins here on earth.  The hope that I will see him again and that I will live forever in 'His Kingdom' is really all I have sometimes.  

Living With Hope

I have blogged about hope so much.  I likely don't need to write anything new this year about hope...I could just cut and paste.  But that's not me, it's not the point of this project.  I also want to share some of the things that have happened this year, some of the realizations I've come and some of the feelings I have that might be new...or renewed.
This past year has been another tough one in our house and yet it has been so filled with hope.  So many can't understand how I can even say that.  So many look at my life and tell me that they don't know how I do it and that they admire me for the way I just keep going.
REALLY???  Exactly what choice do you have when things are hard in your life.  Exactly what would they do different if they were in my shoes?  I am sure some who are part of my 'real' life have some great answers here but they aren't walking in my shoes.  Sure it's hard to be the breadwinner on the salary I make, sure it's hard to manage when there is only one income coming in.... which has been the case for 1/3 of this year I would guess.  Even harder is managing the moments where the enemy gets in and either pushes things beyond the breaking point and chaos ensues voices erupt and horrible words are said or the enemy fills one of us with such doubts that it seems easier to shut down, shut out the world...simply be selfish. 
But you know what keeps me going...what for it... wait for it... yup, it's HOPE!
One of my favourite scriptures is this one...

James 1:2-4

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Why is it a favourite?  Because it speaks of this hope....let's be truly honest and blunt...the hope that this crap that is your life will be gone...soon.  Because it shows that God is allowing this test as a way to bring us closer to him.  The only way to get through the trials is to lean on the Lord, to have Hope that they will be over soon, to trust God to walk through them with you. 
So often we think we can do it alone. So often we get frustrated or impatient.  This was the case with me about 2 weeks ago.  I had had enough, I felt spent, done, exhausted, so very frustrated and, I guess, hopeless.  And I let rip with some things that weren't very honouring.  But as quick as I did it, I apologized, I retreated and then did 2 things that I don't normally do... I took a break, a deep breath and prayed and I listened.  For once I could really hear what was being said to me, for once I really felt listened to.  
And after that I felt so full of...well hope.  I felt so certain that we could and would make it through.  I felt so focused and so in control of the things that were causing excessive chaos in our life.  I persevered as did my faith.  I prayed for the things we needed, for things to fall into place and I felt such a sense of hope, so very certain that we would make it through this trial just fine because God always looks after his children.
And then a few days ago God answered prayers that we'd been saying for weeks...well months actually and guess what...I wasn't surprised at all.  I felt blessed but I wasn't surprised. 
You see God knows, he sees everything that we are doing.  He has his hand in all parts of our life and tries his best to guide us to follow his ways.  

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

It's all in his plan and all we have to do is trust him.  Yeah...all we have to do.  So much easier said then done, I know.  But when we do we can keep focused on the goal, focused on the 'prize'... we know our current circumstances won't harm us in such a way as to keep us from God, keep us from eternity.  When we trust God then we have the hope that there is eternity.  

I Hope You Dance

Just a simple song today...my hope for my kids and for myself at times too.  Times have gotten dark for all of us, especially in the months after we lost Cole.  Songs like this reminded me to keep moving for them and for me.

"I Hope You Dance"

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,

May you never take one single breath for granted,

GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',

Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,

When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, 

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. 

Dance....I hope you dance. 

I hope you dance....I hope you dance. 

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.. 

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along 

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

The best hope we have

Yikes, it's the first of December... 24 days til the big day and there so much left to do.  
Anyone else feel like this???  Well today was the first of our holiday celebrations as we attended our first Christmas party, had our first visit with the big guy.  But that really isn't the important part of today, is it?  

It's the first Sunday of advent... time to prepare ourselves for the celebration of birth of Jesus and time to prepare ourselves for His second coming, for the time he will return as he promised he would.  It's time to celebrate all that this amazing miracle gift that our Lord gave us is. 
John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
Now if that's not the greatest hope there is I don't know what is.  It's only been in the last two years that I have realized how absolutely amazing the season of Christmas is.  It has nothing to do with spending time with family and friends, showing others how much you love and appreciate them with gifts...but that is obvious.  We so often hear that we need to remember 'the reason for the season' but how many really understand that reason???  I know I didn't.  I knew we celebrated the birth of Jesus at Christmas.  I knew the story of Mary and Joseph...heck I even remembered the story of Elizabeth, Zechariah and John the Baptist.  I loved the story of the first Christmas and felt I understood what a miracle it was.  
But I never realized until two years ago just how absolutely amazing this story is.  Jesus was born to a woman who had never had 'marital relations' with a man.  He was the son of God, not of man...but yet was as human as those he lived among.  He came to teach the world about the love of God.  He did this through stories, parables and miracle healing.  He changed the way people thought, he made them consider what they did, what they valued, how they viewed themselves and others.  
But more then that, he came to die.  He was born to die.  God brought his son into this world so that we, all of humanity, might have a future.  He brought Jesus to the world to teach others of his love, to instruct and lead followers who could carry on after his son would face the death he knew would be his destiny.  He brought his son into this world knowing the world would kill him.  He brought his son into this world knowing that his son, Jesus, would be resurrected after death and that act in itself would show the love God had for all his children.
Eternal life is my hope.  Jesus is my hope.  It's as simple as that.
I will get into abit more of this later this week but I will share a 'story' of sorts about my hope for eternal life changing how I grieved, changing how I lived in grief.
When we began planning Cole's memorial service I reached out to my friends at Fetal Health, Lonnie and Tammy as well as a few others that assisted with grief support through them, to get help, suggestions, ideas of what to do to honour this life that ended much too soon.  It was suggested I read a book by another TTTS mom who also lost one of her twins called A Place of Peace.
I remember very clearly sitting in my living room while Cameron slept him my arms and I read this book from cover to cover.  As I neared the end I read how Jenny Hander, the author, had come to realize what she needed to do to move on, which for her was to look at her daughter's life as being one filled with innocence, devoid of pain and without the emotional, stressful and sometimes cruel impacts of our earthly life and to realize that going straight to paradise is such an amazing thing.  And as I read this I was completely overcome with emotion, with joy and peace for my son and with fear for myself.  Fear that I might not ever see him again because I wasn't living my life in a way that was honouring to God, in a way that would lead me to heaven.  I dropped to my knees and I sobbed.  I sobbed for all I had lost in losing my son but more then that, I sobbed for all I had lost in the way I had let grief run my life... the joy of my children, the love of my husband, family and friends.  I realized that I was so self absorbed in my grief that I was shutting everyone, even God, out of my life.  And so I told God how sorry I was and how much I wanted him in my life so that I would make it to heaven and see Cole again.  
Back then it was all about seeing Cole again.  Heaven was an awesome place, a place I wanted to live in a way as to get there but it never really occurred to me then that Heaven wasn't just about the people who had gone before me but it was about THE ONE who had gone before me...and the reason I might get to go at all.
Jesus gave me a renewed sense of life.  He walked beside me the whole time but once I knew he was there, once I invited him into my heart, he lifted me up and pushed more forwards.  He made me realize that there IS hope in death because death is just an end our earthly lives, it's the beginning of our eternal lives.
I found hope in Jesus...I find hope in Jesus.  

It's that time of year again...

Wow... over 2 months since my last post.  I can't believe I've stayed away from here that long.  I don't even know why I have.  Maybe it's where live has taken me lately, some of the stresses I've been dealing with or maybe just where my time, especially writing time, has been spent.  The answer to the last one is a prayer journal and more time doing devotions with that.  So that part is a good thing.  The earlier stuff is excuses but thankfully they are excuses that seem to be coming to a wonderful end.  The recent trials are easing up, new things are happening and best of all, my life here at home, with Geoff, with the kids and with the house in general is going really well!
So now it's time to get back to work, back to my passion of writing.  And just in time... Advent starts tomorrow.  Each year, for those who don't know, I try to spend Advent or atleast the first 24 days of December blogging each day.  It's not really in preparation for Christmas but rather a way for me to focus the grief and sadness I feel so much this time of year on something positive, something meaningful.  In 13 days we will honour the life of our sweet son, a life cut short but a legacy left for all of us.  13 days til the anniversary of the worst day of my life. Hmmmm...not sure how it's going to be this year.  Some parts are so good, so peaceful and yet other parts are hurting so bad lately, missing what could have been , wondering how things would look here now.  It hurts and it is confusing for me at times. I need to focus my energy on finding the themes of advent in my life each and every day.
So this year's plan???  Well I think I am going back to the plan from three years ago.  Each week will have a theme.  Each day of those weeks I will find something to post... I will write, I will find a picture, a song..something, anything that ties my life to the theme of the advent week.
Some info from a faith based website on advent...

During Advent, we emphasize hope, peace, joy, and love, which God sent with Christ.

HOPE. We have an inheritance reserved in heaven, a living hope through the resurrection of Christ from the dead (1 Peter 1:3-5).

PEACE. We will love life and see good days if we turn from evil and do good and if we seek peace, for the Lord watches over the righteous and hears their prayers (1 Peter 3:10-12).

JOY. We have inexpressible joy even though we have trials because our faith is being tested and proven genuine. The end of this faith is the salvation of our souls (1 Peter 1:6-9).

LOVE. We can love one another with a pure heart because we have been born again through the Word of God which lives and abides forever (1 Peter 1:22-23).

Because Christ came the first time, we can live with hope, peace, joy, and love till He comes again.

The hope we have in Jesus Christ Brings joy into our heart; And when we know the love of God, His peace He will impart. —Sper

If you’re looking for hope, peace, joy, and love this Christmas season, look to God.

I know that not everyone who reads my blog is a Christian, feels the way I do about the Lord.  Not all my posts will be faith based but many will.  I hope that I can help others find their hope, peace, joy and love this holiday season...especially those who might be grieving.  For those who are facebookers, I will be creating a group for others to share their ideas of these themes, especially in relation to grief and loss.  I will post the link tomorrow...on day 1.

Thanks for reading my blog.  I welcome your comments about posts and most of all I thank you for your support!

The Second Chances God Gives Us

Have you ever found yourself wondering, no maybe struggling with, what on earth God is up to?  After my last post I am sure no one is surprised to hear that I spent a lot of time asking why?  Why now God?  Why this man?  Why this family?  Why, in the middle of his life, his marriage, his children's 'growing up time'...why did you have to take this man from those who loved him?
I don't have as hard a time with God's reasoning or purpose as I used to.  I don't know why that is...maybe because I understand that I am not meant to understand.  Maybe because I have seen such amazing things come from the trials we all experience.
But it still hurts, we still ache, we still grieve....and we still do question.
And this last week I questioned again...but for the exact opposite reason.
This week the fragility of life was tested once again.  This week I was faced with the reality of what could have been a life ending tragedy.  And once again I found myself asking God why...or maybe what is a better word.
My husband had a very scary accident a week ago.  He was cutting a tree and it twisted and the wind blew it back on top of him.  He was knocked to the ground, hit from behind by this tree.  He managed to get up and get himself into his truck and into town before calling an ambulance.  We spent the next 7 hours not knowing if anything in his back, neck or chest was broken.  The chest seemed to be the area that hurt and there was no symptoms of spinal cord injury.  In the end he had a bad break of a rib, right off the sternum but other then that, he was fine.  In tremendous pain, but fine.
Initially I didn't think a lot about it.  I just dealt with it and keep saying he was very lucky.  And then a day or so later I realized he wasn't lucky, he was blessed.  God chose for this not to be his time, not to be an injury that changed his life or mine forever.  And yet that statement isn't true.  God may have chosen for this not to be an injury that changed his physical life but I am wondering if He was trying to change our lives forever...in the form of a wake up call. 
I spent so much time in the days after learning about Scott's health and in the days following his death questioning why God takes some people and not others, how God comes up with the timing on  things.  As I mentioned before, I tried hard to come to terms with the fact that there aren't answers to those questions.  Just as there aren't answers to the questions on why Geoff wasn't more seriously hurt.
Except deep down I think I do know.  I think we all know deep in our hearts why God protects us from life threatening, life altering injuries... because He's not done with us yet.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

He always has a plan but unfortunately we aren't always following his ways.  Sometimes we're just a step or two behind or to the left but others we are in a whole other country.  I really believe that these times when He seems to protest us, He really is creating a wake up call.  He's trying to remind us that life is precious, that He is in control and He needs us to follow Him. 
Now some might wonder at what I've posted and how that relates to when He doesn't seem to protect us, doesn't seem to make us survive the odds so to speak.  I don't have an answer for that, no one really knows but the Lord.  But what do I believe???  Well I've come to believe that when God said that he knows the plans he has for us, plans to prosper and not harm, plans to give hope and a future He doesn't always mean in this life, doesn't always mean here on earth.  Another thing that comes to me when I read this scripture is that maybe it's not just written in the single form for the word you but rather, as many in my area seem to say, it's 'yous'... the plural form of the word you (the educator in me is cringing as I type that LOL).  He knows the plans he has for all of us and sometimes the plans He has for the you singular involves or transpires because of the actions, outcomes, circumstances of the you plural.  His plan to prosper one of us, to not harm one of us might not be what we'd think. It might be that the prospering happens in heaven because let's be honest, the only place that NOTHING can harm us is heaven.  Perhaps the plans He has to give us hope and a future can only be realized by us experiencing heartbreak, loss and grief.  

Wow..this is pretty deep and isn't even where I was going with this when I first began planning this post.  Funny how life works sometimes. I began it thinking it was all about the 'wake up calls' but the more and more I think about that passage... 'For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'  the more I am thinking about those moments when we can't figure God out, when we can't understand why someone we love has to go and yet another gets to stay.  We get so caught up in that and we fail to see that WE are still HERE.  God did have a plan for us, plans that aren't meant to harm us but rather to give us hope.  It is so easy to feel like we are being harmed and hurt, that our prayers are being ignored.  But time goes on, life goes on...we move ahead, little step by little step.  In time we find a new place for us, a new normal.  We find hope and we find peace.  And some, like me, like so many that I featured in my 'Motivated Mondays' series, are inspired, are encouraged, are motivated by their loss whether is a loved one , a job, a home, a relationship etc. They find a new hope and a new peace.  They find a future and they feel richer, more complete even though, at times, their heart feels so broken.
Maybe this scripture has nothing to do with the plans God has for us but rather for the plans God has for others and how what happens to them will influence us, under His guidance, to do amazing things. Maybe it's not about the plans we think of when we imagine what prosper means, when we think about the things we feel harm us.  Maybe it's about the bumps in the road, the things we fear, the things we are sure will ruin us and how we grow from them.
I guess we never know for sure.  What we do know is that He is ultimately that one in control and no matter what happens, He will be there.  He will not harm us, He will hold us. He will help us find hope and He will give us a future full of His amazing grace, blessings and love.

Don't Cry for me Down Here

I have been pretty absent from my blog for a good month now.  I am not sure what's holding me back from writing but I know what has brought me back to it today..... heavy hearted emotions... sadness, anger, disbelieve, love, admiration... but mostly sadness.
Yesterday we said goodbye to a wonderful man who is just gone way too soon.  I've been overwhelmed for the last 8+ days with emotion for this man and his family as his life took a drastic and unexpected turn and what seemed like a recovery process turned into a 4 days of tears, prayers and goodbyes.
Scott, his wife Christine and their three kids have been our friends almost as long as we've lived here...almost 11 years.  With our oldest and their youngest being only 5 months apart we've done birthday parties, social times, sports, church, community events etc. together for years. And we are just a small part of the lives that Scott and his family have touched.  That was very obvious yesterday as hundreds of people gathered to pay tribute to this man's life and to support the loved ones he leaves behind.
And what a tribute it was.  Everywhere you looked there were signs of the life this man had lead, the loves of his life.  Photos of him with this three children and his wonderful wife, of him with his nephew, niece, sister and brother-in-law. Of him with this parents in years gone by and recently too.  And photos and stories of him with his many, many friends.  And there were tears..tears of anger, tears of sadness and tears of laughter too at the stories shared.
A friend of Scott's from his college days spoke of that feeling of anger that we are all feeling right now. It is so hard not to be angry when you think about loss of someone so young.  At only 45 with a wife who turns 40 this year, a daughter who just started highschool and a son and daughter who are 11 and 12 you can't help but feel angry that they won't have this man in their life.  It's Not Fair!  Oh how often I have said that over the last week.  It's so hard not to be angry when you think of all the things you saw Scott at, all the things he was involved in that will now just have a gaping hole.
And of course that just leads to so many tears of sadness.  My heart aches for this family.  For these children, this wife, these parents and parent in laws, this sister and her family and this community of friends.
Last Sunday I went for the first long run I have done in a long time.  It seemed easy to run, the time just flew by and that's because I prayed and talked to God the entire time.  I decided today that I would share what God and I shared that day as I ran down a trail within view of the place Scott loved the most, his farm.
I begged God, I admit it. I begged him for a miracle.  I begged him to show the doctors they were wrong, that there was something they could do and Scott's life could be saved.  I begged him to show his amazing healing.  I begged him to give them more time and to bring Scott back to a level of consciousness where he would be able to tell his family all his dreams for them, where they could spend days together sharing their love, their stories, remembering past memories and creating new ones.
And then I begged for understanding.  Help God to see why this is happening, Help me to accept that this is your will.  Help me to come to terms with this.
And with that acceptance (which I don't have but knew that I had to come to terms with) I proceeded to pray over this family from where I could see their home.
I prayed for Christine. For the times that would come when she would be lying in bed and the tears would fall and for the emptiness she felt in her heart but also in her bed...when the space beside her seemed so vastly empty and her arms ached to hold her husband again and she ached to be held.  I prayed that she would feel the warmth of his arms holding her, that she would feel his presence and know he was there and always would be.  That she would know only their bodies were separated but their hearts were forever joined.  I prayed that she would always hear his voice in her head, encouraging her, loving on her, living within her.
I prayed for Katelyn.  I prayed that when she walks down the aisle on the day of her wedding and she's missing that opportunity that all girls dream of; being on Daddy's arm, that she would sense Scott, her sweet Daddy, that she would actually be able to feel the pressure of his arm on hers, that she would see her mom's tears and know that they were tears from a Daddy who missed her and was sad that he'd missed this day but also tears of joy at the love that she had in the man she was walking towards at the front of that church.
I prayed that Emma would hear the clapping sounds of her Dad's hands as she walks across that stage in June to get her grade 8 diploma and again in 4-5 years when she gets her highschool one.  That she can hear his voice telling her just how proud he is of her and all she has accomplished...and just how beautiful she looks in her grad dress.
And I prayed for Darnell. I asked God to make sure that Scott's cheers for Darnell's goals in hockey would ring out over the crowd and that Darnell would never have any doubt that his dad, his biggest fan, was there watching his game.
And then I cried some more as I am crying now and asked God to help me understand, help me accept what I can't understand.  I asked him to help me and all around us to accept that His ways aren't our ways and that when we prayed for healing for Scott we had to accept that God's version of healing might not be the version we had in mind, the version we desired with all our hearts. 
And today I know that God did heal Scott, I know that he made Scott whole again, full of life, love and energy....I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much and that tears did not seem to fall so easily. 

Yesterday at the funeral a young family friend sang this song.  And I am trying so hard to keep it in my heart....
"When I Get Where I'm Going"

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

[Chorus]
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

[Repeat chorus]

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light 
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

I love this line...
But when I get where I'm going and I see my maker's face, I'll stand forever in the light of his amazing grace.
It's something that I have to remind myself at times...that when I get there I won't just see the loved ones who've gone before me but that I will see the Lord and that I will forever be in the presence of His amazing grace, His ability to forgive all our sins, all our mistakes, all our wrongs and watch Him wipe that away just as he wipes away our tears.  There it will be tears of happiness...for we are home, we are back with Him. Our sins will be shed, our struggles forgotten.  What a place that is! 
For now we are here and we miss Scott.  But if we close our eyes we can imagine him in the light of God, forever smiling down on us.  He wants us to celebrate that smile, that love and that zest for life he had and not to cry for him...he's home now.