Day 4 - Gift of Words

For those that know me well...well in 'real life' it will come as no surprise to you to hear that I think I am blessed with the gift of words though most of you would say 'gift of gab' I am sure.  But what I really mean is that I feel I am very blessed to have been given a gift when it comes to putting thoughts on paper, making it easier for others on their journey as they read what I write, maybe even that I seem to know 'just what to say' to make someone think or make them feel supported, understood or loved.
I love to write and I love that I can put all that is in my heart and my head on paper even when I can't get it out of my mouth the way I intended it.  That is something I really need to work on but I will say that I think it has come a long way too. 
I feel blessed that my words have helped and it brings me to tears when someone writes me and tells me that I really helped them.  I decided for this post, for this day, to give a few links to posts that I made that really impacted others....these ones apply completely to the loss and twin loss worlds but I think have helped others understand things from 'our' perspective too....

http://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.ca/2012/11/here-i-am-and-where-are-you.html

http://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.ca/2012/05/this-really-is-my-story-i-really-am.html
This next post was one I wrote nearly 2 years ago and came at a moment of terrible sadness for me, it was written on a day that we sad goodbye to a friend who had really impacted my life and was pivotal to a few things for me.  First of all it was pivotal to finding peace.  There was something about this loss, about knowing that my friend was in heaven with my son that made it easier to be here and have Cole there.
It was also pivotal in knowing that writing really was a strength of mine and that I needed to write a book about our journey and all that it has brought to my life.  I never dreamed then that it would take me this long to even get it half finished but it did inspire me to write deeper thing here too.

http://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.ca/2010/12/new-angel-among-us.html

The last post, this group of words, contains words from another TTTS friend and how much it impacted me.  I haven't read this post since I wrote it but I just realized today that it is almost exactly what I wrote in the first post I made.  It made me realize that Eileen's words were written in the recesses of my brain and stamped deep on my heart...and are now my words too.
I feel so blessed to be able to write with a passion that helps with others, with an honesty that affects others and with a sincerity that offers hope and peace.

http://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.ca/2011/06/final-homecomingand-what-ive-learned.html

Day 3 - The Gift of Inspiration

I knew, instantly, who I would say was the great gift of inspiration to me.  Actually not who but whom.... these folks here...

These are my friends Lonnie Somers and Tammy Smith (and her TTTS survivor, Zachary)
When I was first diagnosed and my world turned upside down I went looking for support.  These two amazing people found me more then I found them.  Tammy called me numerous times in the first few weeks after we lost Cole and Lonnie got answer after answer for me when I didn't know what to do or what was going on.  Fetal Hope is Lonnie's brain child and what a brain child it is.  They do amazing things with that organization... provide funding for families to travel to get treatment, provide answers or opinions via a medical board, get people into the right care with the right doctor.  They save lives, they save sanity.
They are the people who inspired me to work hard to support others going through a pregnancy crisis and they are the reason I spend hours online talking to people I have never met, helping people I have never met.  They inspired me to raise money to help with treatment and research at Mt. Sinai...they are simply an Inspiration to all!!!

Day 2 - Dec. 2 - Support

I wasn't able to blog yesterday but then realized that I had the perfect blog already written for the theme of support, the perfect song of support which can be found here..(just click on the title to get the song...it should open in a new window so you can read and listen at the same time)

I Won’t Let Go – Rascal Flatts
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But you’re not lost on your own
You’re not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won’t let you down
It won’t get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won’t let go
Won’t let you go
No I won’t

The blog was written so long ago...check it out here...
And there really is nothing more to add except that one of my newest groups of 'supporters' comes from an amazing place I hang out at atleast once a week... my church friends...can't say enough about them...so I'll leave that for another post on another day.
One group I did post about there was the most understanding in all of this journey....
I love you TTTS Family...

Day 1 - December 1 - Hope

Sorry for the delay... a glitch with the home computers means I can't post from home right now so it's break time only at work or when I am somewhere with access.
Here is my post for Saturday...

With Hope

This will be the third time I have blogged about this song…it’s just that powerful to me.  I can listen to it and cry and I can listen to it and smile…all depends on the day.  For those who don’t know, it was written by a man named Steven Curtis Chapman. Chapman is a Christian musician who, just a few months before crisis struck my own family, was struck by his own personal tragedy. His daughter, Maria Sue, adopted from China, was struck and killed in her own driveway by an SUV driven by her 17 year old brother. This family was shattered but still filled with hope, still able to see the light of God at this sad time. 

With Hope 

This is not at all
How we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We has so many dreams
But now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you

And we can cry with hope
We can say good-bye with hope
'Cause we know our good-bye is not the end
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say 'well done.'
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now your home
And now your free


We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true


We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

 I just began reading a book written by Mary Beth Chapman, Maria Sue’s mom.  I am not even more then 1/8^th of the way into it and have already found inspiration in this amazing writing.  And it’s the writing format that I am finding inspiration in.  I just might get the story of our journey written (in a 3^rd format) some day…but that is a story for another day.  Steven wrote a series of songs in this dark time in their lives and so many of them speak to those who have lost a child.  Times are dark in loss, so often it is so hard not to question God.  How could something (someone) so good make something so bad happen is often what I hear? I know I just wrote about this subject a few posts ago so I don’t need to go into my feelings here except to say that I truly believe that bad things just happen…because there is evil in the world, because God is powerless to stop some things, because it just happens… not really sure what is the best thing to say there.  Finding hope in loss is next to impossible at times.  I know I needed to grab a hold of anything I could to be hopeful about.  I remember waking each morning in those dark times, forgetting or maybe just ignoring what had happened and feeling hopeful.  And then the memory would return, reality would crash around me and I would be sobbing once again.  But as the day moved on I would feel Cameron move, I would have sweet moments with the other boys and I would find a glimmer of hope in the dark day.  And as time went on I would go up and down in hopefulness and hopelessness.  Every day brought struggles but every day also brought hope.  I learned over time that I could find comfort in my faith in God, in my belief that Cole was in Heaven and that I would see him again.  I learned to say goodbye ‘with hope’ because I knew that I would see him again.  I didn’t have answers and there were so so so many questions but I learned, over a very long period of time, that I could trust God, that he knew where I was going, he knew I could get there. 

Last year when I blogged about this song I found an article written by another Christian blogger. And felt, then, like I could connect with it so much.  And that was a year ago… when I truly was just at the beginning of the amazing transformation that has happened within my faith, before I explored it the way I have and before I publicly declared that I believe Jesus died for me, to save me and dedicated myself to him.  And before I spent a year really exploring my purpose in this faith journey and how it connects to other families who have experienced loss. Now the article means even more.

What was asked of the author and has been asked of me is  Where is the hope in this death of Steven Curtis Chapman’s daughter? How can you say God is good?

I will be blunt and honest here… it is next to impossible to say “God is good,” during situations that shatter our hearts and bring us to utter despair and pain.  But if I have learned anything in the last year (or more) is that the path to hope and healing always goes through doubt, pain, anger, grief, and mourning. But more than that, if we aren’t able to tell God honestly how down right angry, bitter and in pain we are and to not doubt tell him our doubts just makes our relationship with Christ weak and incomplete.  We have to be to speak these things and trust that his redemptive power and grace is very real, that he understands and knows how we are hurting.

There is a path that leads to the acceptance of what has broken our hearts… 'There is Hope because Death Does Not Have the Final Say!' I cannot speak for God, I do not know anything for certain and would never profess to be very knowledgeable here but I do not believe the death of Maria Sue, Cole, any of our TTTS angels or any person who has left this earth suddenly and before their earthly family felt was their time, was the will of God. It has always bothered me that people so easily “this was the will of God” and concerns me even more when those of strong Christian faith do it.   Why??? Because it is not what the questioning believer needs to hear, it’s not helping them to trust God in most cases. But nevertheless, it is not outside the 'Sovereignty of God.  In other words, God is in control, remains in control and will always be in control. God was not surprised. He is sovereign and He alone is God'
There is HOPE – even in this tragedy, in all the losses we feel so hurtful about this holiday season – because it cannot separate us from the love of God that is so clearly spoken of in scripture:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. [Romans 8:38-39]


There is HOPE because the families that have lost a child do not journey alone. Many of us have seen and felt this…the outpouring of love that others show when tragedy strikes.   The number of people who read blogs and facebook support groups of families they have never met and send heartfelt messages of support. 'People care. The body of Christ cares. When we don’t have the courage and strength to HOPE, others HOPE for us. No one person or one family exists on an island to themselves. This is the beauty of the body of Christ'.

There is HOPE because, God cares. He has not forgotten us. He will not forsake us. And He continues to use all circumstances and situations – even tragedies – to bring His children and the larger creation – back to him.   'God restores. God reconciles. God redeems. There is HOPE because there is Life beyond this world. There is HOPE because in short, there is God. '

God is HOPE.

IN short I guess I would say tragedy isn't God's will but His response is...and our response hinges on that. Nothing can take away His love, nothing can seperate us from Him. When we can't find hope others will find it for us. When tragedy strikes it is often how we cope that is the thing of hope.

For me I know that the life I live here on earth must reflect my journey back to God and in turn back to Cole and to all who have gone on to Heaven. Being positive, helping others, finding a focus and purpose for the journey Twin to Twin Transfusion put us on will bring me closer to him, to both of them.
I can and will live my life 'with Hope'.

Gifts for Christmas Mourning

So it is that time of year again...the time when my mind drifts back to 4 years ago, when my emotions are near the surface, when I wear my heart on my sleeve and where I feel the urge to tell and retell our story and to share Cole's name with everyone.  How can it possibly be almost 4 years???
Last year I decided to try having a project to focus on, a goal of finding ways to blog through my emotions and focus on the healing.  So I choose to take on each theme of advent and blog each day on that theme. I shared my project with everyone but really did it for myself.
This year I remembered just how many angel days happen in December... I am pretty sure that I can list 12 or more families that celebrate the loss of one or both of their babies at a time when they should be buying Christmas presents in pairs. 

And so I decided to create a project to encourage others to search their life and their hearts for the things that can turn this season that often is so hard for those of us grieving a lost loved one, especially a child into a season about the gifts that no one can put a price on. And of course, I am going to do this too.
The format will somewhat follow the themes of advent... Hope, Love, Joy and Peace but will have some subthemes to focus on too....there will be a gift word for each day to focus on.
I am encouraging those who want to participate to post whatever comes to mind or relates for them... a picture, a song, a quote, a memory, a blog entry....whatever they feel most connected to.
I have started a facebook group... http://www.facebook.com/events/462035380509253/ for this project and am asking people to add their gift word thoughts, photo etc. to the wall of this group and be sure to post on their own wall too so that others can see how you are finding your 'Gifts for Christmas Mourning".

Although this project began with the thoughts of other TTTS families it is, in no way, only for them.  It is for anyone who finds this time of year hard or misses someone.  Hopefully together we can see the gifts the world has for us, see the gifts that our loved ones have given us even though they aren't here.

Themes and dates are as follows 

 December
1 Hope
2 Support
3 Inspiration
4 Words
5 Light
6 Love
7 Affection
8 Kindness
9 Family
10 Friends
11 Joy
12 Blessings
13 Memories
14 Admiration
15 music
16 Encouragement
17 Appreciation
18 Service
19 honesty
20 Peace
21 Solitude
22 comfort
23 compassion
24 honour
25 acceptance