Day 1 - December 1 - Hope

Sorry for the delay... a glitch with the home computers means I can't post from home right now so it's break time only at work or when I am somewhere with access.
Here is my post for Saturday...

With Hope

This will be the third time I have blogged about this song…it’s just that powerful to me.  I can listen to it and cry and I can listen to it and smile…all depends on the day.  For those who don’t know, it was written by a man named Steven Curtis Chapman. Chapman is a Christian musician who, just a few months before crisis struck my own family, was struck by his own personal tragedy. His daughter, Maria Sue, adopted from China, was struck and killed in her own driveway by an SUV driven by her 17 year old brother. This family was shattered but still filled with hope, still able to see the light of God at this sad time. 

With Hope 

This is not at all
How we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We has so many dreams
But now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you

And we can cry with hope
We can say good-bye with hope
'Cause we know our good-bye is not the end
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say 'well done.'
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now your home
And now your free


We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true


We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

 I just began reading a book written by Mary Beth Chapman, Maria Sue’s mom.  I am not even more then 1/8^th of the way into it and have already found inspiration in this amazing writing.  And it’s the writing format that I am finding inspiration in.  I just might get the story of our journey written (in a 3^rd format) some day…but that is a story for another day.  Steven wrote a series of songs in this dark time in their lives and so many of them speak to those who have lost a child.  Times are dark in loss, so often it is so hard not to question God.  How could something (someone) so good make something so bad happen is often what I hear? I know I just wrote about this subject a few posts ago so I don’t need to go into my feelings here except to say that I truly believe that bad things just happen…because there is evil in the world, because God is powerless to stop some things, because it just happens… not really sure what is the best thing to say there.  Finding hope in loss is next to impossible at times.  I know I needed to grab a hold of anything I could to be hopeful about.  I remember waking each morning in those dark times, forgetting or maybe just ignoring what had happened and feeling hopeful.  And then the memory would return, reality would crash around me and I would be sobbing once again.  But as the day moved on I would feel Cameron move, I would have sweet moments with the other boys and I would find a glimmer of hope in the dark day.  And as time went on I would go up and down in hopefulness and hopelessness.  Every day brought struggles but every day also brought hope.  I learned over time that I could find comfort in my faith in God, in my belief that Cole was in Heaven and that I would see him again.  I learned to say goodbye ‘with hope’ because I knew that I would see him again.  I didn’t have answers and there were so so so many questions but I learned, over a very long period of time, that I could trust God, that he knew where I was going, he knew I could get there. 

Last year when I blogged about this song I found an article written by another Christian blogger. And felt, then, like I could connect with it so much.  And that was a year ago… when I truly was just at the beginning of the amazing transformation that has happened within my faith, before I explored it the way I have and before I publicly declared that I believe Jesus died for me, to save me and dedicated myself to him.  And before I spent a year really exploring my purpose in this faith journey and how it connects to other families who have experienced loss. Now the article means even more.

What was asked of the author and has been asked of me is  Where is the hope in this death of Steven Curtis Chapman’s daughter? How can you say God is good?

I will be blunt and honest here… it is next to impossible to say “God is good,” during situations that shatter our hearts and bring us to utter despair and pain.  But if I have learned anything in the last year (or more) is that the path to hope and healing always goes through doubt, pain, anger, grief, and mourning. But more than that, if we aren’t able to tell God honestly how down right angry, bitter and in pain we are and to not doubt tell him our doubts just makes our relationship with Christ weak and incomplete.  We have to be to speak these things and trust that his redemptive power and grace is very real, that he understands and knows how we are hurting.

There is a path that leads to the acceptance of what has broken our hearts… 'There is Hope because Death Does Not Have the Final Say!' I cannot speak for God, I do not know anything for certain and would never profess to be very knowledgeable here but I do not believe the death of Maria Sue, Cole, any of our TTTS angels or any person who has left this earth suddenly and before their earthly family felt was their time, was the will of God. It has always bothered me that people so easily “this was the will of God” and concerns me even more when those of strong Christian faith do it.   Why??? Because it is not what the questioning believer needs to hear, it’s not helping them to trust God in most cases. But nevertheless, it is not outside the 'Sovereignty of God.  In other words, God is in control, remains in control and will always be in control. God was not surprised. He is sovereign and He alone is God'
There is HOPE – even in this tragedy, in all the losses we feel so hurtful about this holiday season – because it cannot separate us from the love of God that is so clearly spoken of in scripture:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. [Romans 8:38-39]


There is HOPE because the families that have lost a child do not journey alone. Many of us have seen and felt this…the outpouring of love that others show when tragedy strikes.   The number of people who read blogs and facebook support groups of families they have never met and send heartfelt messages of support. 'People care. The body of Christ cares. When we don’t have the courage and strength to HOPE, others HOPE for us. No one person or one family exists on an island to themselves. This is the beauty of the body of Christ'.

There is HOPE because, God cares. He has not forgotten us. He will not forsake us. And He continues to use all circumstances and situations – even tragedies – to bring His children and the larger creation – back to him.   'God restores. God reconciles. God redeems. There is HOPE because there is Life beyond this world. There is HOPE because in short, there is God. '

God is HOPE.

IN short I guess I would say tragedy isn't God's will but His response is...and our response hinges on that. Nothing can take away His love, nothing can seperate us from Him. When we can't find hope others will find it for us. When tragedy strikes it is often how we cope that is the thing of hope.

For me I know that the life I live here on earth must reflect my journey back to God and in turn back to Cole and to all who have gone on to Heaven. Being positive, helping others, finding a focus and purpose for the journey Twin to Twin Transfusion put us on will bring me closer to him, to both of them.
I can and will live my life 'with Hope'.

Gifts for Christmas Mourning

So it is that time of year again...the time when my mind drifts back to 4 years ago, when my emotions are near the surface, when I wear my heart on my sleeve and where I feel the urge to tell and retell our story and to share Cole's name with everyone.  How can it possibly be almost 4 years???
Last year I decided to try having a project to focus on, a goal of finding ways to blog through my emotions and focus on the healing.  So I choose to take on each theme of advent and blog each day on that theme. I shared my project with everyone but really did it for myself.
This year I remembered just how many angel days happen in December... I am pretty sure that I can list 12 or more families that celebrate the loss of one or both of their babies at a time when they should be buying Christmas presents in pairs. 

And so I decided to create a project to encourage others to search their life and their hearts for the things that can turn this season that often is so hard for those of us grieving a lost loved one, especially a child into a season about the gifts that no one can put a price on. And of course, I am going to do this too.
The format will somewhat follow the themes of advent... Hope, Love, Joy and Peace but will have some subthemes to focus on too....there will be a gift word for each day to focus on.
I am encouraging those who want to participate to post whatever comes to mind or relates for them... a picture, a song, a quote, a memory, a blog entry....whatever they feel most connected to.
I have started a facebook group... http://www.facebook.com/events/462035380509253/ for this project and am asking people to add their gift word thoughts, photo etc. to the wall of this group and be sure to post on their own wall too so that others can see how you are finding your 'Gifts for Christmas Mourning".

Although this project began with the thoughts of other TTTS families it is, in no way, only for them.  It is for anyone who finds this time of year hard or misses someone.  Hopefully together we can see the gifts the world has for us, see the gifts that our loved ones have given us even though they aren't here.

Themes and dates are as follows 

 December
1 Hope
2 Support
3 Inspiration
4 Words
5 Light
6 Love
7 Affection
8 Kindness
9 Family
10 Friends
11 Joy
12 Blessings
13 Memories
14 Admiration
15 music
16 Encouragement
17 Appreciation
18 Service
19 honesty
20 Peace
21 Solitude
22 comfort
23 compassion
24 honour
25 acceptance

Here I am and where are you???

So I took a few months off I guess...LOL...I am back and have some friends questioning 'just where are you God'???
1 Peter 1:6–9 6 So be truly glad.* There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. 9 The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. 

Recently a few moms in one of my facebook groups have posted about their struggles with life and their disatisfaction, frustration, discouragement and even anger with God in giving them the trials they have. It came about in a discussion by one mom who recently miscarried her 'rainbow baby' (her first baby after loss, in her case, the first baby after the loss of one of her twins). She really just wanted all this pain to stop and for people to understand how hard things were for her... that she didn't feel like she would 'make it' because she had 'made it' through the loss of her TTTS angel. She questioned why God thought she could do this because she really felt she couldn't. And sadly she asked why God hated her so much. 

My heart wept for her, ached for her. I wanted her to know the God I know, the one that holds me when I can't stand anymore, the one who wipes my tears when the pour down my face as I look at ultrasound pictures, read things I wrote during my pregnancy, look at pictures of my son's broken and battered body. I wanted her to know the Jesus I know.. the one who came to take my son home when no other healing could happen, who healed his body in the best way possible. The Jesus that that has lead me back to God time and time again when I have struggled and questioned. I told her... God loves you so much and understands your pain...he lost a son, he knows this pain. He knows what we don't ...he knows just how much we can handle and he is there to hold us up when we can't stand anymore."
 But I know how hard it is to hear the voices at times when your heart is broken. I get it. And sadly so do others in our group who also are struggling to make sense of it all, to find God in all of this. Another mom wrote about her how hard it was to get her head around why a loving God would give her so many trials... take her parents from her when she was very young and then take her beautiful baby. It made no sense to her and it makes no sense to so many of those who are grieving. They feel God has no right to do this and can not get past the reminder of what they are missing out on, especially when you are raising your angel's identical twins. They just feel so abandoned by God, like God has let them down, like they have angered God and he is punishing them. Like God hates them.
 And as I pondered these words, these feelings of those I consider my friends, I knew that I needed to write a blog again... not that I intentionally abandoned blogging...I have been distracted by many things, overwhelmed by many others and struggling in my own ways but rest assured, I am back and have many many ideas of things to write about. I struggled with what to write. What could I say that would make sense, that would help. I could share some of my favourite scriptures like  
James 1 2-4... 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything

But somehow I think scriptures only comfort you when you are ready to accept that God is all loving, all caring and all encompassing. I know for me that reading scripture when I was in my first 18 months of grieving just made me feel like a hypocrite or not a 'good enough Christian'. I couldn't really handle it.
I wondered about sharing some amazing worship music... this one I have listened to so much lately ...not intentionally but instead by the divine purpose of God... (and stay tuned for a some reflections on my first 5k and what I heard and felt that day... maybe my next blog...maybe not LOL)  

Praise You In This Storm  
Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth



And as I wondered about how to share what was really in my heart about why things happen the way they do, where God is in all of this and how we move forward in him I finished the last chapters in the book I was reading. It is called Through Every Storm (coincidence, I think not) and is one I just randomly picked up off the shelf in the church library. It is about a couple who loose a two year old child in a choking accident and how they both struggle afterwards, how hard it is for them to grieve... and eventually how the both come to Christ because of it (coincidence...I think not). In it their marriage falls apart and they end up in a sort of separation situation.
 Her father comes to speak to his son-in-law and instead of reprimanding him for all that he has done wrong, instead of showing one sided support of his daughter he instead confesses that he, too, has experienced the loss of a child. It was a child that had been conceived out of wedlock and had been stillborn. His words were so powerful.... "We felt sure God was punishing us for our terrible mistake, our awful sin (when they could not conceive another child for 4 years after getting married to each other a few years after the baby had died). Later in life, when we gave our lives to Christ, we discovered some amazing things about His grace and forgiveness. We didn't realize until later just how much He loved us in spite of our imperfections."
Powerful enough but the next part really hit home in what I wanted to say to those struggling... needed to hear myself at times... " God does not deliberately bring on despair and grief as a means of getting back at us for our wrongdoing. He does allow circumstances to to enter our lives that will draw us closer to Him though." "I believe God wants much more for you"... It's time you learned to trust Him. He's not out to hurt you. In fact, just the opposite. He wants to guide you, give you direction for your life, help heal your past hurts".

Later in the book a pastor speaks on the same theme and once again God spoke to me with ideas of what I wanted to say to those who are struggling with their feelings about what has happened in their lives. So often people are troubled by tragedy...I know that I was. You can't understand why God allows it. How often do we hear 'why do bad things always happen to good people'? The fact is that evil surrounds us. What I never realized until earlier this year when I truly read Genesis and studied what happened there on that fateful day in the garden of Eden is that is where evil began but that God knew all along that it could happen. He created Adam and Eve with free will just as he creates us with free will. They chose to disobey and since that day their choice, the results of their original sin has continued to plague us. But one thing is so so so very clear to me...GOD DOES NOT CAUSE EVIL...but he does allow it. Evil entered the world on the very day that Adam stood by and let Eve be taken in by the snake. Evil began when Eve took that first bite and then convinced Adam to do the same. But God understands what a problematic world we live in and he wants us to live victoriously in it. He gave us Jesus so that our sins could be forgiven because he knew we could not do it alone.  

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28

It is so hard to know what to do when your heart is so wounded, when you feel so lost. So often we look for the answers in the wrong places and you wait for something to happen that will fill us full of hope and peace. I know that I did that for a great many months after we lost Cole. I kept thinking that I knew the reason things happened. I knew why we were experiencing this, the lesson we were to learn... I mean it had to have been to make us work better as a family and damn it why couldn't Geoff figure that out, why did he have to call me day after day with complaints about how hard it was for him with the boys and the house and.... Yeah...I was so sure that I had it all figured out and I never listened to voice of the spirit telling me to open my heart to him. I think as children and young adults...heck even as older adults that we are taught to look for God through the 'good things' in our lives...job satisfaction, success, popularity, dedication to a church etc.
We seem to think that if we are doing good that God gives us good things and if we aren't getting what we want then we think He must think we are bad. We are often lead to believe that if we live a life of service, do good deeds, go to church, donate money, help others and say we believe in God that we are doing what we need to do to ensure our place in Heaven. When we question what God is doing in our lives then we question if Heaven even exits. But Jesus tells us in his word that He is the answer to our deepest longings. Only He can relieve us of that heavy load of guilt and sin we carry around. Only He can lift the burdens we carry, the sorrows that fill our hearts. If we turn to him and tell him how we feel, tell him how lost we are, how guilty we feel, how confused, angry, bitter etc... if we tell him he will not be surprised... he already knows. He knows what burdens we carry and he just wants us to hand them to him. He is just waiting for us to come to the cross and lay them down at his feet. It may not ever be easy to understand why things happen.
It may never make sense and it may hurt forever... God never said it would be easy and never promised our lives would be free of pain. But he did promise us salvation and an opportunity to see our loved ones again if only we could accept that Jesus came and died for us so that we could live eternally and commit our lives to trying to follow his teachings. Doesn't mean you can't question, doesn't mean you won't be angry, doesn't mean your life will be without sorrow. But it does mean that one day your life will be filled with much joy, hope and peace.

Courageously Grieving Revisited

I recently rewatched the movie Courageous...for a third time.. and was struck again at how powerful the section on grieving is. I decided I needed to repost my post that I wrote on this section from my courageous blog series and to comment on a few areas that really reached out to me this time.
One of the most powerful moments in this movie for me came when it was time for Adam Mitchell and his family to say goodbye to their nine year old daughter, killed by a drunk driver. As you can well imagine, it was so very hard to watch and to see the raw emotions shared.
At Emily’s funeral, the pastor says words that brought me to tears… but not tears of pain but tears of hope, of renewed faith…
"At a moment like this, silence seems to be the only emotion that fits. What can we, as mere men say to a grieving shattered heart? We speak today because we have a living hope. Death is no respecter of persons. Death is no respecter of youth. Death is a painful intruder and a pernicious reminder of our human condition. But I stand before you today to declare that we have a living hope and that causes us to rejoice greatly. If your hope today is found in the fact Jesus is no longer entombed... Because He lives, the grieving broken heart has hope, and reason to rejoice."
God’s son died and in his death, we have been given the greatest gift….Hope for the human race, salvation, forgiveness of sins. Because he died and rose again, because he gave his life so we may have ours, because he lives on forever , because of this our grieving hearts do have hope. We can rejoice in the fact that our loved ones who knew and loved Jesus (and all children do, so I have been told by many, so has been documented by those who’ve come back from heaven) are in heaven awaiting us. We know we will see them again and that is reason to celebrate.
But that celebration is so very hard to embrace. How do you tell your shattered heart that the person you said goodbye to, especially when it is someone who has not lived a long life, who left us way to soon…how do you tell your heart that it is time to celebrate??? Well initially, you don’t. At least most don’t. I didn’t, heck often I still don’t embrace this fully. And finding your way after the shattering…well that is one to the greatest challenges anyone can endure. Knowing how to accept it, learning to live again… it is so painful and so difficult. And it takes great courage to do it. I am not sure I am totally there...no let me rephrase that...I am not sure I am ready to be there yet. Sometimes I want to just be angry that I did not get to raise my boys together, that I have a child who passed away before I ever met him. But I also know that his death was a gift just as his life was. I have learned more from him then I ever dreamed possible. His life truly has been not about the breaths he did or did not take but the moments he gave us that took our breath away. For this, I have to be grateful, I have to celebrate. But yeah...it really is hard somedays.
Adam Mitchell struggled too and I urge you to watch this scene
as he talks to his pastor. I encourage you to read what the pastor said….
"Adam there needs to be a grieving process, and the Lords the one who carries you through it. It takes time. It takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who've lost a loved one, that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and an intimacy with God that most people never experience.”
This last line is so powerful to me. I remember in the days, weeks and months…okay years after we lost Cole I knew that I was not the same, would never be the same but I slowly began a relationship with the Lord that I didn’t know was possible. I always believed but when I thought about my son sitting in our heavenly Father’s lap, rocking in a chair with Jesus I just felt such comfort. It still took me so very long though to really come to Christ. It’s funny because people will ask my husband and I how long we’ve been Christians and I just stumble over the answer because it wasn’t like it is for many born again Christians… I didn’t confess my sins and invite Him into my life and start from there. I think He was always there, I always knew I had Him in my life. But I didn’t trust my life to Him, I think I thought I could do it alone, that I was in control. And I guess in a way I was because I fought Him and his will, I celebrated free will, every chance I got. But when Cole was gone and my heart felt broken I began to look at my life and my faith differently. I took in bits at a time of a new faith, a new belief, a new relationship with Jesus. And then as I began to explore things in a new church it became crystal clear to me that I needed, desperately, to grow my relationship with God. I felt myself turn to him like he was a friend and I found great comfort in the intimacy of our relationship.
But having this relationship does not mean that the process becomes easy, it doesn’t mean you don’t question, every single day, why this is your life, why you had to lose, why you have to hurt so bad. Adam’s pastor shares that God
“doesn't promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain. And the hard choice for you is whether or not your going to be angry for the time you didn't have..., or grateful for the time that you did have."
And now I am crying…again, for the tenth time after watching this scene and reading these words. Because it is a choice and it is an impossibly hard, at times, choice and it takes such great courage to make that choice to not be angry but to celebrate instead. I dreamed of the things we would have done with our twins, I envisioned all those matching outfits and toys. The dreams of our matching children climbing on a school bus, packing to move to out, graduating from university, standing up as each other’s best friend at their weddings. I had planned so much and now every single thing I planned had been ripped from arms, stolen from my outstretched hands. We were so darned close, the dream was within reach. I was so very angry at times. I just seemed so unfair to not have had those dreams, those memories, that time together with my amazing identical twins. I wanted (ok I did) to scream and throw things. I wanted my life back.
But gradually, over time, I became more peaceful. I found hope in the future, in the reuniting I would have with my son. But it wasn’t until I watched this for the second time that I realized finding that peace and hope was wonderful but it was a peace and hope centered around acceptance of what I had lost. It was never a celebration of joy for what we’d had.
But what an amazing thing we did have. What an absolute blessing from God. Only 3% of all women have twins. Of that 3%, for easy math in my later stats, that’s 30 sets of twins out of 1000 births, only 15% of all twin pregnancies are identical… 15% of 3%... hmmmm 15% of 30 is 4.5 out of 1000…though other research says that identicals occur as little as 3 out of 1000 births. That is pretty amazing odds, what a blessed miracle. (now just cuz I am doing math… the chances of getting TTTS are 15% of all identicals… only .7 of those 4.5 babies or 7 out of 10 000 births… it’s like winning a lottery…though not one anyone EVER wants to win). I am one of so few women to experience the wonderful shock of finding out your body had performed this amazing miracle and split an egg into to two identical little beings. I will never, ever forget those moments….”I have some news for you Mrs. Tummers…there’s two babies in there!!!”. No one can take that moment from me and no one can take the excitement I felt at telling everyone I saw that I was having twins. I didn’t have a lot of time with Cole but I will cherish each and every memory of that time. Each and every ultrasound, each and every flutter and kick. The quick growth my body experienced, the rapid changes. The plans for my babies…what they would wear, where they would sleep, what Halloween costume I’d dress them in. I woke each and every day in wonderment of the miracle that was happening. I remember saying to Geoff atleast once a week…’wow, we’re going to have twins…that is so amazing’. I will cherish the memories of my worries and questions and of the places I turned to for support. But most of all I will cherish the memory of seeing him month after month via ultrasound… kicking, waving, sucking his thumb, hitting and kicking his brother. I will cherish those pictures and I will be forever grateful for the time I had with my son.
Grief is a journey and that journey has so many twists and turns along the way. I am so very grateful that I have the Lord to lean on as I take this journey and I am so very grateful for all the memories he allowed me to have of the times before grief became a part of everyday life. Moreover, I am so very grateful for the courage He has given me to grieve publicly, to share my heart and soul in hopes that others will find peace, to be able to look back at the whole journey with a smile, a tender heart and great joy.
In my recent studies of true beauty I have learned that being able to be vulnerable and to reveal your true self to all is one of the greatest gifts of inner beauty. Perhaps this is one step in being able to be, well beautiful and to make others feel the beauty of the love of God through me.

Voices -#3

I had thought I was done with my posts on the voices and messages that I have been hearing from God about how lovely he thinks I am, how beautiful I am to Jesus and how he loves me. Then this weekend I heard this song like 5 times and knew it was another one of those messages that He wanted me to hear. So I am posting the words and a very few comments and then I wanted to repost another post I wrote awhile ago on grief because I...well I need to and I'll get to that in a few minutes...or later, or whenever time allows LOL!

To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks
When the rain's blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
So no doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothin' like me yet

There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

I know this song is a love song from a man to a woman but to me, when I last heard this song and today still it is a love song from the one who desires my love most, Jesus. What a thing to have the Lord say to me... There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do To make you feel my love. To think that there is someone who would dry my tears, offer me an embrace when the world is on my case, go black and blue for me, crawl down the avenue... to think someone would do this for me is...well I guess it's something I've known since I became a Christian but I never really thought of it much until I started this women's study on the book I mentioned earlier, Captivating and began thinking about the ways God 'romances' me, the way Jesus tries to show his love for me, how much he desires my love.
What a message God has given me!

Voices - #2

Yeah ok so doing a 'series' of posts at the end of the school year during report writing and end of year wrap ups was a dumb idea... alas, the year is over and now I finally am getting to the next installment on the topic of voices, messages, words and communication.
I had, initially, intended, on writing about our words and how we can use them effectively sometimes and ineffectively so much more often. And I have lots to 'say' on that subject, I think I might be an expert on the later part of that theme!!!
But I have had a few more moments with God's messages to me lately...well actually it's the same message but He just keeps reminding me so I guess maybe I oughta listen!
So this message goes back to my last post and how, when up at Camp Kahquah and also when doing the women's ministry study, 'Captivating', we were asked to pray and ask God to show us how he sees our beauty, what makes us beautiful, precious, special etc. in his eyes and to ask him what his message to us is. The first time we spoke about this subject was at the women's ministry breakfast back in early April and we one of the examples that was given by the women in the video we watched was hearing God's message of how he sees us through music... both worship and secular examples were given. A few days later my friend Miriam posted a few lines of a popular song, the words were obviously what a man was singing to the love of his life and spoke of his adoration for her and how he felt about her beauty and even her body. I joked with her at first but then realized that these words could so much be what the Lord thinks of the beautiful women he has created. It got me to thinking about what God must think of me, what he must find beautiful about me and what he sees as my best qualities. And so I prayed and spoke to God often over the next few days, hoping he would show me, tell me...something, anything. And as hard as I listened, nothing seemed to be there.
Dejected, I stopped thinking about it, stopped playing worship music looking for messages and kind of gave up on the idea that I would ever hear a message from God about my beauty. One day, on the way to work, after listening to my bible app read to me, specifically all the amazing acts of encouragement that Elijah committed in 1 Kings, I turned on the radio...which is rare for me to do as I most often just listen to worship music. The song, I Won't Let Go, by Rascal Flatts was playing right at this point in the song....
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
ANd I thought, hmmmmm, that's interesting that I would just hear about Elijah and then hear that song. I didn't think about it too much until I got home and again was sort of thinking of this theme from Captivating of searching for what God's message to me is and turned on the home radio and heard this....
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

And realized that I was hearing His voice after all...thanks God. Now some may read that song in various ways. And I have blogged about that song before and how I was so grateful to those who held me up when I needed it most. I also wrote about how I realized that song was how I viewed God's loving embrace of me when I needed him most. But this time it was so much different of a message...it was a message to me about what I do for others, that was very clear in the context of my days at that time and who I had connected with online and what I had done. And so I thought, 'ok, God, I get it. You see me as a someone who gives that support, who is meant to give that support, to others. And, of no surprise to me, I have heard that song many times over the last few months on days when I've been bogged down with the support I give online. I get it, God, I get it!
But still I had yet to get a message about my beauty, of how God finds me beautiful and lovely, of how he sees me.
And so I began to think about that as I ran, as I concentrated on the beauty around me one morning in May I began, again, to ask God, just what was lovely about me, how was my beauty shown, what was beautiful about me.
And I got...nothing...I know it's not always that easy but really... I was getting abit, well, discouraged.
The next run I went on was on the trail in a town a few minutes from our house. The trail goes out in farm land, across fields, through bush areas. And as I ran and pondered this beauty question, I saw this lovely bird

It's a goldfinch and I have always been fascinated with them. I am not sure if they have always been present in the area I live in but I remember when I first saw one. I was likely 8-10 and I remember asking my mom about them...I think I thought it was a caged bird on a jailbreak! She told me it was called a 'wild canary' or a goldfinch. I have always had a love for these lovely creatures and that day, when I was running, was no different. I remember this line coming into my head as I saw the bird..'what a diamond in the rough that bird is. It's just an ordinary bird, there is nothing special about it really and yet it is extraordinary in the beauty is shows sometimes. It just shows how you can be ordinary and extraordinary all at the same time'
And on I ran. And then I began to talk to God again about this beauty message thing. And I said, right out loud,'ok God, just give me a sign of how you see my beauty...what does it look like to you, what do I look like to you?'. And then a whole little group of goldfinches swooped down and around me and then this song came on....
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
And I will sing again

And I thought 'ok, I get it..I think' but to be honest, I wasn't sure. I mean this is all pretty new to me and hard to really grasp and absorb. That God would speak to me through various means is just hard to believe. I mean why would he want to to speak to little ol me, what could I possibly mean to him. But that day I saw one or more goldfinches seven different times in the 30 minutes I was out running.
And just in case I didn't get it, I saw 3 more that day on my way to and home from work with the same song as above playing and this song too...came on right at this point in the song.....
Lovely, there is none more lovely
In all the universe, there is no one lovelier
Worthy, there is none more worthy
I try to find the words, there's so much more Your worthy of

And since that day I have seen more of these lovely birds then I've ever seen and almost every time they show up I am either feeling down and questioning what God could possibly find beautiful about me etc. I see this lovely bird.

Voices... sometimes we just need to be quiet to hear them....

Voices - 1

I don't often think much about the words I hear or say... I mean I think about meaningful things that I hear but really not about thoughts that come into my head because of them. I also rarely consider what everyday words can mean and what they can do.
I mentioned in this post about having moments where I truly felt God speak to me. At the end of April I traveled to Camp Kahquah my best friend's sister. I've known her for years but didn't really connect with her. She called me up and invited me to join her at this women's retreat just after my baptism. I felt very drawn to say yes and am so glad I went...it was exactly what I needed!
The theme for the retreat tied into the theme of our women's ministry focus at our church, “God’s Handiwork-creating beauty from the inside out". We explored women's role throughout time and how hard it can be to find your way, what wounds get in the way, how difficult it is to navigate and how hard it can be to hear and belief God's voice as he tells you what he thinks of you, as he shows you just how beautiful you are to him and to hear his message of guidance to you. I am so new at this and most of the time I just have no idea what God is saying to me. But in reading the book that we are studying at our church, Captivating and in spending time in meditation and amongst the amazing beauty of God's world I have begun to learn more about myself and hear some words from God. At one point we were asked to ask God to show us what our beauty is and how he wants us to shine. I went for a walk and reflected on this and really nothing came to me. Maybe I was searcing too hard, maybe I just can't hear God's voice? Regardless, later we were asked to kind of expand on this and just ask God speak to us in whatever format and whatever means he chose. And so I listened to the music that was being sung for us and I closed my eyes and I prayed for God to tell me what it is that I was supposed to be doing. I told him that I just didn't feel like I was listening hard enough, trying hard enough, praying enough, moving forward in my Christian journey. Everyone else there seemed to have stories about God speaking to them, feeling directed by God to do this, praying to God for help with that. I just felt, well inadequate.
And then this vision popped into my head...

And I heard the words 'baby steps, baby steps'. I picked up my pen and began to write what this meant to me but to my surprise it wasn't my voice I was writing in...
"You can not run before you learn to walk. Do not rush this journey you are on. Stop trying to push yourself to the place you 'think' you should be at. Allow me to lead you. Pray, reflect, read, write and share. Your writing is a gift I've given you and sharing your journey, your story, your questions and my answers that I give through music, scripture, and my voice...this is how you can impact others. This is what I want from you".
Wow...pretty powerful to me. And pretty much what I've been doing a lot of lately...except the sharing part... not so good at that. Well not in the writing aspect. I've been talking a lot(what a surprise LOL) about my faith and what I'm hearing from God but I haven't shared that in writing. I have been writing again though... a few more pages added to the book. Yay me!
I am reminded often though what words can do and how much you can do, how much you can impact with only a few words, or only a few well intended but misunderstood words... but that will wait til my next post. Stay tuned for voices part 2