Okay the pity party is over and I am regretting posting that last post. Well maybe not regretting the venting as it made me feel better to get it off my chest but regretting making anyone feel bad and even regretting making myself feel bad. It was a bad day….a bad few days that were heavily aggravated by sleepless nights. Cameron has been up a lot lately and yesterday we found out he has pneumonia. Scary somewhat but the doctor wasn’t too worried about him as we caught it quickly and his chest x-ray looked good. But lack of sleep always makes me feel sorry for myself and emotional.
I know that I grieve very publicly and it works for me in a way and is awful in other ways. I want to thank Jennifer (see comments on the last posting) for her insight and her support. She is so right…I am afraid if I stop talking about Cole that everyone will forget him and I know that I need to find a way to make everyone remember for the right reasons…not the crazy mom who lost her baby and can’t get on with her life reasons!!!
Before I do though I want to let you all in on something….well those who read this but have never met me. My online life is the place I am the most open and honest with my grief, well atleast I think so. I am actually quite happy at home and would guess that many of my friends might be surprised if they read some of the stuff I post. When I am out and about and talk about our journey it is pretty rare for me to cry or even tear up…I think I could count on one hand the number of times that I have done that in a good 6 months. When I am here with the boys..well sometimes they find me crying and Brycen often asks when he hears me play sad music, watch videos (ours or other peoples) if I am sad and he gives me a lot of random hugs to ‘make ya feel better mom’…so I know that I am somewhat sad here. Those that read the stuff on facebook often comment, concerned about me. On the surface I think I am doing okay. And deep down I think I am okay too…it’s the area in the middle that suffers.
You see I think that I am supposed to be horribly sad that I lost my son. I think the world expects me not to say that I am so happy with my life at times. I worry about how everyone perceives me so much that I am not the true me very often. I do wish this hadn’t happened, I do wish I had Cole with us but really and truly….I am so very proud of who I have become and of my survivor, Cameron and none of that would have happened if Cole had lived. But I am afraid to say that I am okay with Cole passing away for fear that people will think I am a horrible person and heartless. So instead I talk about him all the time, I bring our journey up anytime people talk about being pregnant, I remind people all the time of what happened to us. I am certain it makes people uncomfortable and I think Jennifer is right, I do it because I don’t want anyone to forget what has happened. Selfishly I am certain I like the attention and deep down maybe I believe I need people’s pity.
But I KNOW I don’t need their pity. By telling the story all the time, by mentioning our loss I am encouraging people to think of me with sadness. I know that God doesn’t want this and I am certain that Cole never wanted this for his mommy.
Finding a way to keep his memory alive, to tell our story so it evokes happy thoughts and encourages others and finding a way for people to feel comfortable and inspired by me is what I want and what I need.
And how do I get there….any thoughts???
I know one thing I have to do is stop my obsession with TTTS stories and at the same time finding time to support those who can learn from my journey. I need to find a balance between my online friends who’ve been there and ‘get it’ and the real people in my daily life who want to help but don’t know how. I need to find a focus in my desire to honor Cole and raise funds and awareness for what Dr. Ryan and others do for fetal distress disorders. I want people to hear the name Cole Tummers and Jodie Tummers and think ‘now there’s a success story born out of a tragedy’. I have great plans for some fundraising but seem to be unfocused in getting there…and enough is enough. Today I am putting it on paper and getting to work.
And last thing…I need to put this here so I see it and you see it and maybe then it will be what really starts to be the reality for me…the image I portray, the inner me, the outer me and the middle me….. I am not glad that I lost Cole but I am so glad that TTTS entered our lives and I was given the chance to experience everything that I have. I know the joys and sorrows of a multiple pregnancy…it may not get to be the life I live but it could be worse and deep down I will always be the mom of twins and I will always tell people that I am. I am so glad to appreciate the amazing medical world we live in…that part of our story doesn’t get told enough…all that was done to save Cameron… he should be the focus in this because he is the HOPE!!! I am amazed at the amazing people in my life…new friends that I met in hospital (medical, patients etc.) new friends online, and most of all new friends and closer friends in real life. I focus too much on the negative side of what losing Cole gave to me…but Cole gave me a second chance, a new focus and something I didn’t know I had…the ability to inspire others through my words, my actions and my love.
If you have any thoughts on this, any recommendations for me in how to do this best, how to help Mt. Sinai and Dr. Ryan and how to move forward without losing what’s behind me PLEASE put a comment here. I appreciate it so much! I’d love to know who really reads my babble!!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Where did they all go?
Where did who go right? Well the last few days I have been filled with feelings of being lost, detached and unconnected to my friends...or atleast those who I thought were my friends. And for any of my 'real life friends', I apologize if this sounds hurtful...if you are reading this you likely aren't who I am talking about! And just a warning this entry isn't full of hope and optimism like I often write about...I am very down today and just need to vent.
This all comes about after some conversations about the changes in relationships in my life and why those changes happen. I know that over time our friendships often change but right now I feel like I don't have any friends. Not often does anyone call just to chat, no one ever invites us/me over for a visit, a drink, a coffee, a BREAK!!! The people who we spent so many weekends with a few years ago...well with some of them it seems that if I don't call them then we never talk and others it just never works to get together.
I don't know how else to describe this self pitying feeling I have other than abandoned. A year ago I had people who called, sent messages and came to see me everyday. Now I am lucky if I hear from people other than my husband for days or weeks on end.
Another friend, when telling her about this feeling, said that when she had her miscarriage she found that once she stopped talking about it first thing people talked to her more and eventually talked to her more about it when it fit into the conversation.
Well that's a great and fine and dandy but unfortunately my loss stares me in the face each and every day. He looks at me with adoration, he smiles and laughs, hugs and snuggles and loves me for everything that I am still...a wonderful mommy. But he is also the not so gentle reminder that I lost his beautiful identical twin and that I don't know where I fit in anymore...and no one seems to care!
Yes I am feeling sorry for myself today and I just don't care who knows it. Why do people have to change? Why do we have so many friends when were in the midst of a tragedy...why does a crisis draw a crowd that disappears when you still need them?
I just don't know how to make or keep friends right now. I am so sorry that I want to talk about my sons and the miracle that they are. I am sorry that I can't stop talking about my son in Heaven, I am so sorry that I am sad sometimes, worried about my sweet survivor others and still obsessed by all the things twin. And just in case you missed the sarcasm...I am not sorry one damned bit. I just HATE that I am so lonely right now and if I knew for certain that I'd find real friends if I could let go of those feelings than maybe I'd be able to. But I'm not sure if that's what the problem is.
I still can't read the stories of survivors without cringing or simply walking away and not bothering. Why can't I just be happy for those who don't have to go through this? Why can't I just be happy that I am not part of the group that lost both their babies? Why can't I just be happy period???
Why do I have to feel so all alone?
God I know you are listening, you are always my friend, always here no matter what my mood is. And it's wonderful that you are but I am asking today for some help in finding my way back to 'normal'. Help me to reconnect with my friends, help me to find those who do understand that some days are just horrible and please send some sign or someone to help me feel connected, loved and happy once again.
This all comes about after some conversations about the changes in relationships in my life and why those changes happen. I know that over time our friendships often change but right now I feel like I don't have any friends. Not often does anyone call just to chat, no one ever invites us/me over for a visit, a drink, a coffee, a BREAK!!! The people who we spent so many weekends with a few years ago...well with some of them it seems that if I don't call them then we never talk and others it just never works to get together.
I don't know how else to describe this self pitying feeling I have other than abandoned. A year ago I had people who called, sent messages and came to see me everyday. Now I am lucky if I hear from people other than my husband for days or weeks on end.
Another friend, when telling her about this feeling, said that when she had her miscarriage she found that once she stopped talking about it first thing people talked to her more and eventually talked to her more about it when it fit into the conversation.
Well that's a great and fine and dandy but unfortunately my loss stares me in the face each and every day. He looks at me with adoration, he smiles and laughs, hugs and snuggles and loves me for everything that I am still...a wonderful mommy. But he is also the not so gentle reminder that I lost his beautiful identical twin and that I don't know where I fit in anymore...and no one seems to care!
Yes I am feeling sorry for myself today and I just don't care who knows it. Why do people have to change? Why do we have so many friends when were in the midst of a tragedy...why does a crisis draw a crowd that disappears when you still need them?
I just don't know how to make or keep friends right now. I am so sorry that I want to talk about my sons and the miracle that they are. I am sorry that I can't stop talking about my son in Heaven, I am so sorry that I am sad sometimes, worried about my sweet survivor others and still obsessed by all the things twin. And just in case you missed the sarcasm...I am not sorry one damned bit. I just HATE that I am so lonely right now and if I knew for certain that I'd find real friends if I could let go of those feelings than maybe I'd be able to. But I'm not sure if that's what the problem is.
I still can't read the stories of survivors without cringing or simply walking away and not bothering. Why can't I just be happy for those who don't have to go through this? Why can't I just be happy that I am not part of the group that lost both their babies? Why can't I just be happy period???
Why do I have to feel so all alone?
God I know you are listening, you are always my friend, always here no matter what my mood is. And it's wonderful that you are but I am asking today for some help in finding my way back to 'normal'. Help me to reconnect with my friends, help me to find those who do understand that some days are just horrible and please send some sign or someone to help me feel connected, loved and happy once again.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Hope Quotes
I just finished reading 'The Christmas Hope' by Donna VanLiere. She is the author of 'The Christmas Shoes' which is now a movie....and a song too!
It was filled with awesome quotes that I just felt I had to post here and discuss. Before I get to that though I wanted to point out that I've added my entire TTTS history and journey on the very first posting on this blog...in August. I wanted to be sure that everyone who was looking to find our story could as I am planning to shut down the caring bridge site that I posted it on soon.
Hope you find these as inspiring and insightful as I did:
Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out. - Vaclav Havel
I never realized what Hope really meant despite living by this quote last winter until I read this the other day. I was so full of hope I guess...certain that it would and will make sense some day. And 'some days' that is hard to accept but all in all I think I am doing a good job.
If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream. - Martin Luther King Jr.
So very true...and so easy to do. I was in this mode at times, especially before we knew that Cameron was going to be okay and then again right after my water broke. But then I'd feel him move, I'd catch my reflection in the mirror...my large tummy and glowing skin, I'd hear one of my older boys laugh or say something adorable...like I love you Mom!...and it would all be okay..not great but okay.
Hope never abandons you; you abandon it. - George Weinberg
Speaks for itself...and see comments on last quote....kind of one in the same.
We have to go into the despair and go beyond it, by working and doing for somebody else, by using it for something else. - Elie Wiesel
Did she read my mind??? This is exactly where I am at. I figure God has given me this loss for a reason, he's given me grief for a reason and he's given me Hope for a reason. I don't know for sure what it is. I know that I am desperate to find a focus for my grief and to come up with some way to make all that we lost and all that we learned and gained, something that will bring attention to the need for better monitoring and testing http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
of identical twin pregnancies as well as raising funds for research, treatment, support and care of those going through it. I've got some ideas but seem to lack the focus to move ahead with them....but I'll get there, I know I will. And this leads me to my next quote...
You can't help everybody; but you can help a few. It's that few that God will hold us accountable for. - Bob Pierce
These are the hardest times, especially when those who are younger than you take their leave, and there are times when I forget and permit myself to think that I am in the midst of death. But this is not so. It is life that surrounds me. Life. Life that is meant to be lived, its riches to be extracted. No, the Lord's promise is not for those who give up, but for those who forge ahead... - Leonora Wood
This is so true. God did not wish us to give up and die when life gets tough. It is at those times that He is there, picking us up, dusting us off and moving us ahead. Life is for the living, we can't change who's gone before us but we change how we live before we go. My son died before his time, he died before I got to hold him, touch him, kiss him.....but not before I got to love him. There is no way that such an innocent being would wish for me to be in Heaven with him instead of here with his twin brother.
....each day of the journey is precious, yours and mine - we must strive to make it a masterpiece. Each day, once gone, is gone forever. - John Wooden
The day Cameron was baptized by my dear friend Theresa she did an amazing job of including Cole in the service by giving a sermon on worrying. It is so hard not to worry, it is so hard not to focus on the future and where you are going. But you can't focus on the unknown because if you do you lose sight of the present and you miss out on what is with you right now. Once a day is gone it is gone forever. I felt my pregnancy was like that. I worried so much about how I would deal with being the mom of two newborn babies and of the stresses that brought that I didn't appreciate the miracles inside of me. I noticed all the growth, the movements and the wonderment of their little bodies on the ultrasound machine but I did nothing to remember those moments or live in them. I couldn't take that back once Cole was gone, it was too late to take pictures of my belly then, too late to start writing about how I felt about them and the dreams I had. You'd think I would have learned but when my water broke and I was rushed back to Toronto and then London I didn't live in the moment and enjoy Cameron's movements and life, I stressed and worried. I have no pictures of the places I called home for 8 weeks of my life or of the doctors that saved my son, took care of me, welcomed my boys into the world.
I needed to put those worries with God and let Him look after them...it's His job.
And so I try my best to live in the present with my family. I try to only look at today and all the wonderful things they do today....not what they aren't doing yet compared to others and not most importantly, I try not to live in the past, in the world of 'what if'. Those days can't be changed,they are gone forever.
It was filled with awesome quotes that I just felt I had to post here and discuss. Before I get to that though I wanted to point out that I've added my entire TTTS history and journey on the very first posting on this blog...in August. I wanted to be sure that everyone who was looking to find our story could as I am planning to shut down the caring bridge site that I posted it on soon.
Hope you find these as inspiring and insightful as I did:
Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out. - Vaclav Havel
I never realized what Hope really meant despite living by this quote last winter until I read this the other day. I was so full of hope I guess...certain that it would and will make sense some day. And 'some days' that is hard to accept but all in all I think I am doing a good job.
If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream. - Martin Luther King Jr.
So very true...and so easy to do. I was in this mode at times, especially before we knew that Cameron was going to be okay and then again right after my water broke. But then I'd feel him move, I'd catch my reflection in the mirror...my large tummy and glowing skin, I'd hear one of my older boys laugh or say something adorable...like I love you Mom!...and it would all be okay..not great but okay.
Hope never abandons you; you abandon it. - George Weinberg
Speaks for itself...and see comments on last quote....kind of one in the same.
We have to go into the despair and go beyond it, by working and doing for somebody else, by using it for something else. - Elie Wiesel
Did she read my mind??? This is exactly where I am at. I figure God has given me this loss for a reason, he's given me grief for a reason and he's given me Hope for a reason. I don't know for sure what it is. I know that I am desperate to find a focus for my grief and to come up with some way to make all that we lost and all that we learned and gained, something that will bring attention to the need for better monitoring and testing http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
of identical twin pregnancies as well as raising funds for research, treatment, support and care of those going through it. I've got some ideas but seem to lack the focus to move ahead with them....but I'll get there, I know I will. And this leads me to my next quote...
You can't help everybody; but you can help a few. It's that few that God will hold us accountable for. - Bob Pierce
These are the hardest times, especially when those who are younger than you take their leave, and there are times when I forget and permit myself to think that I am in the midst of death. But this is not so. It is life that surrounds me. Life. Life that is meant to be lived, its riches to be extracted. No, the Lord's promise is not for those who give up, but for those who forge ahead... - Leonora Wood
This is so true. God did not wish us to give up and die when life gets tough. It is at those times that He is there, picking us up, dusting us off and moving us ahead. Life is for the living, we can't change who's gone before us but we change how we live before we go. My son died before his time, he died before I got to hold him, touch him, kiss him.....but not before I got to love him. There is no way that such an innocent being would wish for me to be in Heaven with him instead of here with his twin brother.
....each day of the journey is precious, yours and mine - we must strive to make it a masterpiece. Each day, once gone, is gone forever. - John Wooden
The day Cameron was baptized by my dear friend Theresa she did an amazing job of including Cole in the service by giving a sermon on worrying. It is so hard not to worry, it is so hard not to focus on the future and where you are going. But you can't focus on the unknown because if you do you lose sight of the present and you miss out on what is with you right now. Once a day is gone it is gone forever. I felt my pregnancy was like that. I worried so much about how I would deal with being the mom of two newborn babies and of the stresses that brought that I didn't appreciate the miracles inside of me. I noticed all the growth, the movements and the wonderment of their little bodies on the ultrasound machine but I did nothing to remember those moments or live in them. I couldn't take that back once Cole was gone, it was too late to take pictures of my belly then, too late to start writing about how I felt about them and the dreams I had. You'd think I would have learned but when my water broke and I was rushed back to Toronto and then London I didn't live in the moment and enjoy Cameron's movements and life, I stressed and worried. I have no pictures of the places I called home for 8 weeks of my life or of the doctors that saved my son, took care of me, welcomed my boys into the world.
I needed to put those worries with God and let Him look after them...it's His job.
And so I try my best to live in the present with my family. I try to only look at today and all the wonderful things they do today....not what they aren't doing yet compared to others and not most importantly, I try not to live in the past, in the world of 'what if'. Those days can't be changed,they are gone forever.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Thinking of Miracles
Happy New Year to everyone! It's a new year and for me I am hoping it brings my new version of the 4-H motto...Health, Happiness, Hope and Healing. As I ponder these things I am reminded of all the things 2009 brought us and can't help but remember where we were a year ago right now...having been rushed to Toronto by ambulance as my water had broke and everyone was pretty certain that one Mr. Cameron Tummers was very soon going to make his arrival. As the tests progressed and more was discovered we became more and more concerned about this tiny miracle inside of me. Everyone was so sure that Cameron was coming very soon and we were so very worried. Worried that he was so small for his age, worried that I'd be having a baby born in Toronto and worried about what was happening with our big boys at home.
I wondered if he was born this early how delayed he'd be....would he sit on his own when he should....
Check!
but would he crawl on time...would he have trouble with motor development.
Well it's taken abit of extra work but....check!
And I worried that he might not be able to survive...60% chance of survival with no complications...10% chance he might now survive at all. And just how tiny would he be, how hard would it be to grow and gain.
Looks like he's doing well on the gaining and growing...and the survival thing, well that would definately be a CHECK!!!
For you created me in my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
I worried then what it must be like for him to be in there wondering why his brother wasn't moving and growing anymore.
Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
And although Cameron seems to have a hard time being alone and has an intense and focused look about him at times, I think he's making the best of things!!!
And so are we. Cameron is the best sign of a miracle that I've ever seen. God has blessed our family....we are so very lucky! His smiles can light up a room and we constantly get comments from strangers, family and friends about how happy he seems to be....is he always like this? Well yes, most of the time. Sometimes he is so intensely sad in the middle of the night and I think that's when my boys play together most....and who would want to be waken and lose those moments of play with the brother you miss so much. But all in all Cameron is blessed with the most joyful spirit I've ever seen and you can't help but to feel God's presence when you are around him. I truly believe that he wouldn't be who is today if Cole had survived. He is who he is because of the love and life of his twin and although I will always wonder what life would be like if Cole was here I know that it would be a completely different world that we would be living in.
Thanks for being my miracles sons Cole and Cameron!
Praise God for He is Good!
Thank you Lord for blessing our family with this little miracle here and the little one you enjoy in Heaven. They truly are gifts from you that our family needed so desperately. I may not understand why things have happened the way they have but I know that you are with us and will guide us to Heaven to see Cole again. Kiss my baby for me....he is so very precious!
I wondered if he was born this early how delayed he'd be....would he sit on his own when he should....
Check!
but would he crawl on time...would he have trouble with motor development.
Well it's taken abit of extra work but....check!
And I worried that he might not be able to survive...60% chance of survival with no complications...10% chance he might now survive at all. And just how tiny would he be, how hard would it be to grow and gain.
Looks like he's doing well on the gaining and growing...and the survival thing, well that would definately be a CHECK!!!
For you created me in my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
I worried then what it must be like for him to be in there wondering why his brother wasn't moving and growing anymore.
Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
And although Cameron seems to have a hard time being alone and has an intense and focused look about him at times, I think he's making the best of things!!!
And so are we. Cameron is the best sign of a miracle that I've ever seen. God has blessed our family....we are so very lucky! His smiles can light up a room and we constantly get comments from strangers, family and friends about how happy he seems to be....is he always like this? Well yes, most of the time. Sometimes he is so intensely sad in the middle of the night and I think that's when my boys play together most....and who would want to be waken and lose those moments of play with the brother you miss so much. But all in all Cameron is blessed with the most joyful spirit I've ever seen and you can't help but to feel God's presence when you are around him. I truly believe that he wouldn't be who is today if Cole had survived. He is who he is because of the love and life of his twin and although I will always wonder what life would be like if Cole was here I know that it would be a completely different world that we would be living in.
Thanks for being my miracles sons Cole and Cameron!
Praise God for He is Good!
Thank you Lord for blessing our family with this little miracle here and the little one you enjoy in Heaven. They truly are gifts from you that our family needed so desperately. I may not understand why things have happened the way they have but I know that you are with us and will guide us to Heaven to see Cole again. Kiss my baby for me....he is so very precious!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
I"ve been searching for blogs of other TTTS families...actually found a few that I really want to watch and they are listed at the bottom of my other blog as I am on there more than here... usually anyway. There is a link to my other blog on here (I think) as well.
One of the other mom's wrote some amazing words in the days after she lost one of her twins in utero. She echo's my thoughts so much so I'll post some of her blog and comment on it afterwards....
We find ourselves torn between two very real, very different emotions. We continue to go from one extreme to another in a matter of moments and it is confusing, exhausting and horrifying. I have asked myself how can God be in this? over and over again, while moments later I ask myself how can God not be in this? It is, in fact, more comforting to know that God is in this and has been a part of this from the very beginning than to assume he wouldn't be a part of causing me so much pain. He is part of this pain and he sees my pain. We don't want to hear that God needed my child in heaven or that he was too sweet for this world. We know that God does not need anything from us, including our children. He has all he needs, we just have the privilege of getting to be a part of his story. One day we'll have answers to our deepest hurts, or perhaps one day in the grand scheme of things our pain and suffering will make sense. For right now we do not try to make sense of it because we will exhaust ourselves again and again.
The lines that touched me most were the ones about God being with us and not against us and most especially the part about not needing to hear that God 'needed my child in heaven or that he was too sweet for this world'. I have never felt this way, I have never, when any child died long before their time, said that God had a plan for this child, that they had a job for them in Heaven. My God doesn't work that way, He doesn't take from me what he knows I need. And though it is tough some days to feel like it is a privilege to be a part of this part of his story, I know that it is. It is a privilege to know that I am being shown how to appreciate life and that by suffering like He did when his son died, by suffering as Jesus did, that I am becoming a better and stronger person. I know that I have grown as a person and although my life may be changed forever because of our loss it may not always feel like it is for the worse. Some day it will all make sense....likely when I hold Cole in my arms again.
And so in these last moments of 2009...a year that changed me forever as did 2008...I am counting the blessings that He has given me. I have such an amazing family... a loving husband who may drive me crazy some days but he also DRIVES me to reach harder and further to 'make it work' and to forgive, forget, move on and look beyond the surface of the things that piss you off on a daily basis. I have a zanny redheaded 6 year old who snuggles and hugs, shocks me with his intelligence and teaches me about patience everyday. I am lucky to be the mom of a little lovable, laughable, huggable and adorable 3 year old who tells me daily how much he loves me and cracks me up many times a day with his stories, humour and hilarious words. And I am blessed to be the mom of twin boys who love me here on Earth and in Heaven. I know by the adoring gazes, huge smiles, belly laughs, slobbery kisses, all around happy personality and mommy only looks I get from Cameron that Cole lives within him and is with me each day. Cameron is a miracle, he came so close to leaving us at his TTTS diagnosis and surgery, to being brain damaged then and again when he was anemic after Cole passed away, to being born too early and way way to small when my water broke and he wasn't even on the growth charts for his age....weighing a mere 650 grams....and likely would have had some major delays and even surviving inside without any amniotic fluid for 8 weeks. He shows me how good God is and together with his twin brother, inspires me to be a better person.
I don't make New Year's resolutions but I am promising a few things this year that are super important:
I will find a way to channel my energy that is used for grief to find a way to honour my twin sons, their TTTS journey and Cole's passing. This might be a fundraiser, it might be support site for others or maybe a pamphlet to be handed to other parents when they learn they are affected by this awful disease.
I promise to breath deeply, smile more, laugh more, love more and snuggle those boys as often as I can.
I will worry less and enjoy the moment more.
I could promise to live a healthier life but what fun would that be!!! Actually I will do my best at that too!!!
So Happy New Year to you all! Farewell 2009, you have taught me so much!
One of the other mom's wrote some amazing words in the days after she lost one of her twins in utero. She echo's my thoughts so much so I'll post some of her blog and comment on it afterwards....
We find ourselves torn between two very real, very different emotions. We continue to go from one extreme to another in a matter of moments and it is confusing, exhausting and horrifying. I have asked myself how can God be in this? over and over again, while moments later I ask myself how can God not be in this? It is, in fact, more comforting to know that God is in this and has been a part of this from the very beginning than to assume he wouldn't be a part of causing me so much pain. He is part of this pain and he sees my pain. We don't want to hear that God needed my child in heaven or that he was too sweet for this world. We know that God does not need anything from us, including our children. He has all he needs, we just have the privilege of getting to be a part of his story. One day we'll have answers to our deepest hurts, or perhaps one day in the grand scheme of things our pain and suffering will make sense. For right now we do not try to make sense of it because we will exhaust ourselves again and again.
The lines that touched me most were the ones about God being with us and not against us and most especially the part about not needing to hear that God 'needed my child in heaven or that he was too sweet for this world'. I have never felt this way, I have never, when any child died long before their time, said that God had a plan for this child, that they had a job for them in Heaven. My God doesn't work that way, He doesn't take from me what he knows I need. And though it is tough some days to feel like it is a privilege to be a part of this part of his story, I know that it is. It is a privilege to know that I am being shown how to appreciate life and that by suffering like He did when his son died, by suffering as Jesus did, that I am becoming a better and stronger person. I know that I have grown as a person and although my life may be changed forever because of our loss it may not always feel like it is for the worse. Some day it will all make sense....likely when I hold Cole in my arms again.
And so in these last moments of 2009...a year that changed me forever as did 2008...I am counting the blessings that He has given me. I have such an amazing family... a loving husband who may drive me crazy some days but he also DRIVES me to reach harder and further to 'make it work' and to forgive, forget, move on and look beyond the surface of the things that piss you off on a daily basis. I have a zanny redheaded 6 year old who snuggles and hugs, shocks me with his intelligence and teaches me about patience everyday. I am lucky to be the mom of a little lovable, laughable, huggable and adorable 3 year old who tells me daily how much he loves me and cracks me up many times a day with his stories, humour and hilarious words. And I am blessed to be the mom of twin boys who love me here on Earth and in Heaven. I know by the adoring gazes, huge smiles, belly laughs, slobbery kisses, all around happy personality and mommy only looks I get from Cameron that Cole lives within him and is with me each day. Cameron is a miracle, he came so close to leaving us at his TTTS diagnosis and surgery, to being brain damaged then and again when he was anemic after Cole passed away, to being born too early and way way to small when my water broke and he wasn't even on the growth charts for his age....weighing a mere 650 grams....and likely would have had some major delays and even surviving inside without any amniotic fluid for 8 weeks. He shows me how good God is and together with his twin brother, inspires me to be a better person.
I don't make New Year's resolutions but I am promising a few things this year that are super important:
I will find a way to channel my energy that is used for grief to find a way to honour my twin sons, their TTTS journey and Cole's passing. This might be a fundraiser, it might be support site for others or maybe a pamphlet to be handed to other parents when they learn they are affected by this awful disease.
I promise to breath deeply, smile more, laugh more, love more and snuggle those boys as often as I can.
I will worry less and enjoy the moment more.
I could promise to live a healthier life but what fun would that be!!! Actually I will do my best at that too!!!
So Happy New Year to you all! Farewell 2009, you have taught me so much!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
A Holiday Wish
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
Rascal Flatts
This is a song that is on my other blog...the place a post all my pics of my boys and our family...a place of joy. This song has been stuck in my head for days and I thought it was because I had wishes for Cole that just didn't happen but then I sat and really listened (okay admittedly I looked up the words online) and realized that maybe, just maybe, this was Cole speaking to me. I am sure that he wishes this for his mommy just as his mommy wishes this for his brothers. I'd say I wish it for him too...and I do...but I'm just not sure that I feel like he got the better end of the deal yet. I know I need to feel that way...that I need to understand and appreciate that where Cole is, in Heaven, is so much better than being here with us. But I'm not sure I can feel that way all the time... I just miss him and wish he was here too much. The last few days have been filled with wishful moments. I wanted to have two babies on my knee while we opened presents, I wanted to open a present from my son and hug him to thank him for it instead of tearing up and wishing I could.
This is the present the Cole (with daddy's help) gave me....so very fitting.
And this is the message I had for Cole for this our first Christmas without him
Merry Christmas my sweet son, this first one without you is so hard. I miss you so very much. The ornament that Daddy helped you to give to me is so very perfect. I will always have your heart and you will always have mine. Enjoy this special day in Heaven...it is a season of Miracles and your twin brother Cameron shows me each and every day just what a miracle is!
I was so inspired to make things better before Christmas and though I still want to I am having a hard time today with this. I don't see why people think they have the right to tell me, even carefully, that they think I should move on, not be so public with my grief, not let my grief affect my other kids or really even accept that others don't know what to say. I know that I am doing the best I can and I am getting better. Tough days, seasons and times will happen. I have to embrace them. Someone, pretty sure it was another one of my wonderful cousins (thanks Deb) said many months ago that the moments that catch me up, the twin moments especially, the really hard moments....those are the times when Cole is showing himself to me most, when he is saying hello and telling me he misses me too.
So I've decided I have to embrace these crappy times and not push myself to be someone or somewhere that I am not. I'll make it through this, I know I will. I will find the focus I need to move within this grief and use the energy I have for it to be positive and pro-active. I have the plan in mind, I have the idea and the focus...I just need to keep working to ensure I find the right fit for my energy.
Thanks for reading, thanks for supporting me, thanks for being my friend!
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
Rascal Flatts
This is a song that is on my other blog...the place a post all my pics of my boys and our family...a place of joy. This song has been stuck in my head for days and I thought it was because I had wishes for Cole that just didn't happen but then I sat and really listened (okay admittedly I looked up the words online) and realized that maybe, just maybe, this was Cole speaking to me. I am sure that he wishes this for his mommy just as his mommy wishes this for his brothers. I'd say I wish it for him too...and I do...but I'm just not sure that I feel like he got the better end of the deal yet. I know I need to feel that way...that I need to understand and appreciate that where Cole is, in Heaven, is so much better than being here with us. But I'm not sure I can feel that way all the time... I just miss him and wish he was here too much. The last few days have been filled with wishful moments. I wanted to have two babies on my knee while we opened presents, I wanted to open a present from my son and hug him to thank him for it instead of tearing up and wishing I could.
This is the present the Cole (with daddy's help) gave me....so very fitting.
And this is the message I had for Cole for this our first Christmas without him
Merry Christmas my sweet son, this first one without you is so hard. I miss you so very much. The ornament that Daddy helped you to give to me is so very perfect. I will always have your heart and you will always have mine. Enjoy this special day in Heaven...it is a season of Miracles and your twin brother Cameron shows me each and every day just what a miracle is!
I was so inspired to make things better before Christmas and though I still want to I am having a hard time today with this. I don't see why people think they have the right to tell me, even carefully, that they think I should move on, not be so public with my grief, not let my grief affect my other kids or really even accept that others don't know what to say. I know that I am doing the best I can and I am getting better. Tough days, seasons and times will happen. I have to embrace them. Someone, pretty sure it was another one of my wonderful cousins (thanks Deb) said many months ago that the moments that catch me up, the twin moments especially, the really hard moments....those are the times when Cole is showing himself to me most, when he is saying hello and telling me he misses me too.
So I've decided I have to embrace these crappy times and not push myself to be someone or somewhere that I am not. I'll make it through this, I know I will. I will find the focus I need to move within this grief and use the energy I have for it to be positive and pro-active. I have the plan in mind, I have the idea and the focus...I just need to keep working to ensure I find the right fit for my energy.
Thanks for reading, thanks for supporting me, thanks for being my friend!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Time for a change
Today I awoke in awe of the beautiful day outside...the snow on the trees and houses lightens my heart and inspires me to make this a wonderful next few days. I can't change what happened or how people treat me, I can only change myself and the way I treat the world.
I thought of Cole first thing when I saw the snow and know it was a message from him and HIM...God knows I need to see the world brighter, clearer and filled with the good He gave us. I have been very down for days and after a message on facebook yesterday that I posted about asking others to remember that I am not the person I used to be nor will I ever be again I received a message from my cousin Roxanne.
She reminded me that although I am sad and lost right now I have 3 boys who aren't...they need me here and they don't really get that sadness takes over. She lost her sister when she was around 15 and she spoke to me about what loss of sibling can do to you and your family. It made me realize that I need to be here for the whole family, not just for Cole.
And from that I realized that a lot of times I am being just plain selfish. I post sad things on facebook because I don't want anyone to forget Cole or the journey we've taken. I don't want others to forget because I know I never will so why should they. But that is selfish as is the attention I get because of my public grief. God didn't put me in this situation to see how much attention I can get. Remembering my son through sadness and attention isn't right, healthy or the way He intended it to be. Remembering him by honoring him, by raising awareness of TTTS and identical twin pregnancy issues, by raising funds for Mt. Sinai and research and support...those are all ways I can remember and praise Cole for being my wonderful son.
I am going to try very hard not to post things that are hard to read, evoke pity or sadness. It is time to show the world the wonderful things Cole brought to our lives and to put the energy I put into grieving into something more positive.
I want this, I need this....and I promise I WILL do this!!!
I thought of Cole first thing when I saw the snow and know it was a message from him and HIM...God knows I need to see the world brighter, clearer and filled with the good He gave us. I have been very down for days and after a message on facebook yesterday that I posted about asking others to remember that I am not the person I used to be nor will I ever be again I received a message from my cousin Roxanne.
She reminded me that although I am sad and lost right now I have 3 boys who aren't...they need me here and they don't really get that sadness takes over. She lost her sister when she was around 15 and she spoke to me about what loss of sibling can do to you and your family. It made me realize that I need to be here for the whole family, not just for Cole.
And from that I realized that a lot of times I am being just plain selfish. I post sad things on facebook because I don't want anyone to forget Cole or the journey we've taken. I don't want others to forget because I know I never will so why should they. But that is selfish as is the attention I get because of my public grief. God didn't put me in this situation to see how much attention I can get. Remembering my son through sadness and attention isn't right, healthy or the way He intended it to be. Remembering him by honoring him, by raising awareness of TTTS and identical twin pregnancy issues, by raising funds for Mt. Sinai and research and support...those are all ways I can remember and praise Cole for being my wonderful son.
I am going to try very hard not to post things that are hard to read, evoke pity or sadness. It is time to show the world the wonderful things Cole brought to our lives and to put the energy I put into grieving into something more positive.
I want this, I need this....and I promise I WILL do this!!!
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