Tears of Peace

 

This morning I woke, like I do every December 13th since 2008, remembering how I woke 15 years ago....feeling strong movements from Cole's side of the womb and feeling so optimistic, so sure that everything was going to be ok.  

I came into my office and read through all of what I'd written during advent last year and realized why this year has seemed easier.  Last year I worked through a lot of my emotions and did a lot of praying and I put some things to rest so to speak and was very much at peace.  I had realized so much about myself last year and explored a lot of the 'whys' I had.  It was so good to remember the journey I took last year because this year I thought I was disconnected as I just didn't seem to be feeling the sadness that often surrounds me in December.  I brought it up at church before prayer on Sunday and said that I was feeling guilty because of this disconnect.  Now I realize that it wasn't disconnect...though there was a lot of distraction with our annual fundraiser going on plus planning a family Christmas...it was actually just peace and contentment, acceptance.  

We actually talked about the theme of peace on Sunday and what that means to each of us.  For me the word that came to mind was acceptance.  With peace comes acceptance. With acceptance comes peace.  I can't change what happened but I can accept that it is the journey my life is taking and only I can make the choice to use this journey in a way to positively affect the world.  

And so my mind was filled with a certainty that this year was different because of the journey I took last year and that perhaps, this year, I would not struggle with tears and sadness on this day like I have in other years.  So I decided to go back and read through other blog posts from this day in years gone by.  Many of them showed me just how far I've come, just how much God has worked on my heart to see this day differently.  It reminded me of how much hope came out of the darkness of this day.  

And I was doing great until I found a link within a blog that took me to a recount of this day that I wrote a few years ago when I actually wrote out  my testimony and shared it throughout December.  It was this post that I am talking about, and this post that did me in today.  

I will never forget so many moments from that day 15 years ago. The memories are so vivid, and, sometimes, so painful.  And today I cried, sobbed actually, as I read through this and pictured that day so vividly again.  It truly was the worst day of my life and it's still so painful to remember those things.  I wanted to stop reading. I wanted to click off that link and go back to just writing about the peace I truly do feel about our journey.  But truth be told I also wanted to relive it, to push myself deep into that memory.  

Why????

Well part of me wonders if it's because I'm afraid if I forget how painful it was, that I am forgetting Cole.  But a bigger part of me feels, no knows, that remembering how painful it was and how hard the journey was at this time and even going forward for many months is remembering how far I've come, remembering what this journey did for my faith, for my character, for my heart.  It shows me that what I was reminded of in my morning devo today.... that in Genesis 50:20 Joseph speaks to his brothers about 'what they intended for evil against him, God meant it for good'.  It's often been something I've thought and prayed about....how the enemy intends things for evil but God has the upper hand and he brings it about to be good.  In our case the enemy wanted to destroy us with this grief.  He wanted us to lose our faith, destroy our marriage, ruin our finances etc. But God is so good and he had such big plans for us, such big plans for the people Cole left behind when he went to heaven. 

So those tears I shed this morning were all worth it because they remind me of how hard the start of this journey was, how dark and alone I felt, how painful everything seemed.  They remind me that many tears have been shed since then but many of them, in recent years anyway, aren't full of heartbreaking sadness any longer.  They are just tears of remembrance and tears of love.  They are tears that show me, like tears fall down our faces and leave us, so does the darkness of difficult times.  The tears make way for bright eyes, eyes that see the world differently.  

On Sunday a dear friend prayed for me to find clarity and peace this week but she also thanked God for Cole and the lives he's impacted....those of the people who knew him and loved in the months he was alive in 2008, in the months after he passed and was then born and we said goodbye but also those people who's lives have been impacted by him and all he's inspired in others who never even knew him (or us for that matter) in those days.  

Cole, my dear, sweet son, you changed the world without even trying.  You inspired us all to make a difference, to love stronger, to give more, to help, to cherish every moment.  I have loved you since the moment I knew you were alive inside of me and I will love you til the moment I see you standing with Jesus in heaven...and beyond that too.  Thank you for leading me to a place of peace.  Thank you for letting me be your momma in a special way that is so very different than the way I get to be the momma of your brothers.  Thank you for the tears, the love, the hope and the peace.  

God is in this Story

This mornings devotion seemed most fitting on this anniversary week. The focus was on the disciples and how Jesus prepared them for what was to come even though they had no idea of these lessons they would need. This question was asked at the end of the devo....

Remember a time in your life when God was at work but you weren’t yet able to see it. How does that moment now act as a spiritual anchor that strengthens your faith during challenging seasons?

I shared this as my response....

Fifteen years ago today I underwent surgery to correct a condition, called TTTS, that was occurring within the shared placenta of my unborn identical twins. The day before I had been diagnosed with this condition and sent, almost immediately, to Toronto where the diagnosis was confirmed and the surgery explained.  All the medical staff we encountered were very optimistic, everyone was quite certain that both of our boys would be fine once they recovered from this surgery. My faith existed but I did not really have a relationship with Jesus at the time, not like I do now. That being said, I knew to pray, and so, before I went to sleep the night before surgery, I prayed that God would heal my boys and protect them for the remainder of the pregnancy.

And while the surgery itself was successful, the TTTS had progressed rapidly in the 18 hours or so from my arrived in Toronto to when I had surgery and our son, Cole, was very sick. The day after surgery we went for some assessments and discovered that his heart had stopped beating. It was the worst day of my life.

It was very hard to find God in those moments. I didn't understand why he would have made me pregnant with twins in the first place, in a pregnancy that actually wasn't planned, only to take one of them away. 

In the many months and actually years that followed, I began to see how God had worked in our lives in all of those moments. I saw how he had protective Cameron from becoming as sick as his twin and had kept him from being born at 26 weeks when my water broke. I saw how he looked after my family in the many months that I spent in the hospital after my water broke but before my twins arrived at 34 weeks. I felt him as I walked along a path of darkness and grief and I saw him directing me towards the light. I heard him in the words that he inspired me to share with others going through similar journeys and in the thoughts that came to my head about what I could do to help other people by fundraising for the hospital that ultimately save Cameron's life.

But most of all I know that God was with me as he helped me grow my faith and learn to trust him and then share that faith and trust with others who are also questioning where God was.

I thought this was all I would write this morning and was about to shut down the computer when this song popped into my head and heart...and became the title of this blog post....

There's torn up pages in this book
Words that tell me I'm no good
Chapters that defined me for so long
But the hands of grace and endless love
Dusted off and picked me up
Told my heart that hope is never gone

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story

So if the storm you're walking through
Feels like it's too much and you
Wonder if He even cares at all
Well, hold on tight to what you know
He promised He won't let you go
Your song of healing's written in His scars

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story

If it reads like addiction
If it reads like disease
He's the One who frees the prisoner
He's the healer of all things
If it reads like depression
If it reads broken home
He's the One who holds your sorrow
He won't leave you here alone

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me

Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story (you're in this story)
God is in my story (right here in my story)

God is in my story.  He is the one who held my sorrow. When the storm I was walking through felt overwhelming, dark and so full of sadness and I didn't know where to go, God found me and lead me through that darkness to find light.  He gave me the gift of words, of writing, of empathy and compassion and showed me how to use all of those gifts to help others.  

And this morning God gave me clarity and focus...something that has been lacking this year as I walked into this season of remembrance.  I have been so distracted, unfocused, scattered and overwhelmed this year (lots going on in my life I guess) and hadn't been able to really put my head and heart on a path that made sense when it came to my feelings about where we were 15 years ago. So thank you Jesus for this devo, this song and this sense of clarity this morning.  

Yes, God is in this story and he's in your story too!

Blessings and the Spirit

 So I've pondering this post for about a week...I seem to get random ideas (or maybe not so random) of things to write about and then don't sit down and put my thoughts to paper so to speak and then they spin and morph into something different and days or weeks later I either write it down or, more often, forget.  Today I started this message in the morning and looked at the clock and realized I had no time to finish again and almost walked away but tonight I've decided that this needed to take priority....especially as I move into this week of memories.  

This quote was something I heard on the radio about a week ago....

I posted about it on facebook and wrote something like 'I feel this with every inch of my being.  Never could I have imagined the pain of losing a child could be replaced by using my gifts to help others but truly I tell you, God has blessed me so much'.

And that word, blessed, sat in my head and heart for a few days.  How blessed we can be by moments, by seasons, that we didn't plan for, didn't want, didn't dream, plan, hope etc for.  

And as I pondered this one day I found myself singing parts of this song...Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if the thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
And when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if the thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

This isn't the first time this song as spoke to me in such a powerful way.  I even blogged about it before right here.  

But this time the thoughts swirling in my head are different...at least somewhat.  This particular part keeps playing on repeat in my brain....

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

My blessings did come through raindrops...if tears could be thought of as raindrops. My healing came through those tears...and continues to come through them year after year too.  Losing a child was never something I imagined I would have to walk through.  Losing a child who's face I get to see every day wasn't something I would have ever imagined I would think of a blessing. And maybe it isn't so much that I think of it as a blessing...not in the way that I think of other things God has given me as blessings...but rather that I think of it as a mercy in disguise. It was a catalyst to change, to becoming who God knew I could become the more and more I gave my heart to others.  

I never imagined I could find the strength to walk through another person's grief journey.  I never imagined I could speak freely of how loss brought me to a relationship with Jesus and taught me what faith and hope really are.  I never imagined I could find peace when part of my heart lives in heaven.  But all of that and more have happened because God took Cole home.  

This morning when I was thinking about what I wanted to put down in this post today I was thinking of how the Holy Spirit dwells in all of us and how God speaks to us through the Holy Spirit.  Hearing that quote above and feeling so strongly that I was to write about this and being reminded again and again to think and pray about what to write as Blessings kept playing in my head spoke volumes to me about the voice of the spirit and how God gets our attention. And as I pondered this I was given a clear reminder of another time recently when God spoke so clearly to me.  I had what I can only express as a 'Holy Spirit moment' regarding a decision I had made at work.  It was a decision I had thought was best for me, best because it protected my heart, best because I knew making a different decision could stretch me emotionally more than anything has in my professional life since I was in my early 20's. And then just as clear as if God spoke out loud to me, I heard a voice in my head and heart tell me that the I needed to make a different decision and that it would be the next step my heart needed to take in a walking through heartache and loss. And today I felt the Laura Story song, the work situation and my own journey through loss of a child are coming together to form this picture....

My son in heaven greeting another child as they arrive, walking ahead of us, the family they both left behind. And me, walking beside these parents and helping them navigate the journey God has placed them on, helping them as they learn that sometimes blessings come in raindrops and healing comes in tears and that the trials of this life are God's mercies in disguise.  

The Wounds of our Past Meeting our Present

 There’s something that’s been weighing heavy on my heart that I felt called to write about.  I’m not sure if I’ll share it or not but I am praying for the holy spirit to guide my thoughts and writings so that I can process this move past it.  I want to see it as a part of a healing process, as part of the journey of my life that doesn’t hold me in the past or in past hurts, but allows me to grow and learn.  I also know that it fits into the ongoing healing that my heart has gone through for many years related to grief and loss and life after it.  

I don’t want to get into too much of the details of this hurt here as I do think I’ll share this publicly and I don’t want to call out this person publicly.  This wound hurts deeper than many I’ve had over the years because it attacks something I’ve been passionate about for over 13 years, honouring my twins and their journey through giving back.  I recently learned that someone who once meant a lot to me as a friend made a horrible accusation about something we were doing to honour our boys and told a few people that they believed we weren’t being honest and honourable at all.  While they were corrected and did, eventually, come to realize our intentions were completely honourable and there was no wrong doing, no dishonest or fraudulent activities on our part, it absolutely guts me that someone could say such things about us. Taking this act of generosity, of goodness, of love and turning it into something dishonest and fraudulent honestly makes me feel sick.

And so now I’m left wondering why anyone could ever think and share such horrible things, why some people can do such horrible things and people just accept them and continue with their friendship (and actually slowly shut us out of their lives) but most of all, I wonder why past wounds of our hearts can be ripped open so easily.

My thoughts and prayers over the last 2 weeks have lead me to some understandings about some people and some friendships. And slightly diverging and wandering within my head and heart to the work I’ve been doing to see how our childhood forms our personality, it has also made me look at my own character, my own personality type and traits and see how some people can turn a trait that I have, and have sometimes used in selfish and self serving ways, into something extremely toxic.  

My recent journey into hard internal work has led me to see that I am a caregiver and helper in my heart and that this began in my childhood.  It usually begins as a way for a child to understand the world and things that happen around them,  For the caregiver, it often begins because they don’t feel they can be loved for who they are and want to be loved so much that they become ‘little helpers’ to feel they are earning that love.  As they become adults this can manifest into thinking they know what’s best for others, that it’s their job to help others and to fix situations.  It can also manifest itself into a more toxic situation where the ‘helper’ is building a favour bank, building up a stockpile of those they’ve helped so that those people will pay this back later in life.  Sort of ‘I’ll scratch your back but someday I'll expect you to scratch mine’ without telling the people they help.  They also can get very upset with others who don’t accept their help, often because they see things in a way that ‘they know best and others should see that’.  This can cause relationships to break down in their lives, usually because the people they try to help get tired of their ‘I know best’ attitude.

Now I do not completely fit this personality type for a variety of reasons  but i definitely have learned that the feeling I’ve always had of not being enough, not measuring up, not meeting people’s expectations and feeling I never can (nor will I ever be great at anything, only good at some things) has lead me to doing many things for others to fill the void I felt.  I also have figured out that this same feeling of inadequacy has lead me to make poor choices, especially in my dating years, because I just wanted to fill that void, to be loved and appreciated by someone and yet at the same time feeling that because I wasn’t good enough that I should settle for relationships that weren’t best for me because those were the people who would accept my flaws more or not see them because they had lots themselves.  Messed up right!!!!

Anyway, I’ve diverged again. This helping personality type, in it’s unhealthy state, is what made me think of this person who has hurt me so much.  While I don’t know if he’s the same type as me, I now see the extreme side of this type.  He fits the classic ‘I know best and you should accept my help’ attitude and he, most definitely, gets upset when others don’t accept his help. When he helps, he becomes very controlling and extremely critical of others.  Actually the extremely critical part exists most of the time in his life.  I am now able to see that this is where our friendship began to fall apart as he was very eager to help us with a major project when I was pregnant with the twins but my husband wasn’t keen to have him help because he knew that this guy would take over the whole project, want everything done his way and make judgements on any decisions we wanted to make about the project.  

So that is what started the distancing in the friendship but what could possibly bring someone to the point of saying horrible things about something we did to honour our boys and their journey?  How does anyone even bring themselves to the point of thinking something so awful and then sharing it with others? 

And why, oh why, am I letting this bug me so much when it happened so long ago and he was, obviously, proven wrong as we went to continue to honour our twins in similar ways for years and years to come (and still do today)???

The answer is because I’m human and because the core of this wound is actually one that I struggle to be healed from.  This incident rips open the wound that relates to one of the most significant trauma experiences of my life and the wound of losing one of your children isn’t a wound that ever fully heals, it just gets to be a smoother scar as the years go by.  

So while that wound may always be one that can open a little more easily than others, the wound of someone saying hurtful things, even 13 years ago, is one I can bring to God in prayer and ask for guidance for.  

My therapist and I talked about it this week and she told me something very valuable.  Being a Christian means that I am called to forgive but forgiving is a me thing to do, not an us thing to do.  I don’t need to have any conversations with this person and I also can not expect him to have the same perspective on this, nor the same reaction or same way of moving through it because he isn’t a Christian. All I can do is pray through it and pray for him.  Pray that God may open his eyes and heart to see Him and that, in time, he may come to see and know how the wounds of his own heart have hurt others.  

My dearest friend and sister of the heart has also been chatting with me this week about this situation.  She was hurt for me to have heard these things and had wise words she shared that came from her own devotions….

The devotion was in reflecting on how the Hebrew people had been in bondage for 400 years.  They were slaves in Egypt and slavery meant they were not free to do God’s will.  When Moses came to tell the Israelites how they could experience freedom they were more concerned about the reaction of their taskmasters than they were about pleasing God.  Freedom would mean the Egyptians would be mad at them and might attack them.  They were afraid and this fear made them feel that freedom from their bondage did not seem worth the hardships they would endure.  

‘When God sets out to free us, there will often be a price we will have to pay.  Grief can form a terrible form of bondage, yet we become comfortable with it.  We can grow so comfortable with fear that we don’t know how to live without it. As destructive as our sinful habits might been, we may prefer living with the familiar, rather than be freed to experience the unknown.’

Living life after loss is hard enough but having people question your actions, your integrity, your moral compass makes you angry.  I know that i will continue to have work to do on living through my grief and I thank God often for all that he’s done to help me to find a way through it and to live without fear…fear of accepting this trauma as part of who I am, fear of forgetting my son and the experience that changed me forever, fear of the judgment of others on how I’ve chosen to publicly grief or openly talk about infant loss and how it’s affected me…so many fears.  Now I ask him to help me to love people who’ve hurt me through this journey, people who have judged, people who have said things that hurt without realizing it and, now, people who’ve said things they knowingly knew were hurtful and unkind.  

My dear friend also shared this that was a reflection on this devotional for herself but applied so much to me, to this situation.... 

‘Sometimes it is hard to love those who have hurt or wronged me….In those moments I ask that You give me the strength to choose love.  And I pray that because of this others will know that I belong to you,’

And so I will continue to ask God to give me the strength to choose love for this person and to move this situation to a place of healing and forgiveness in my heart.  And I encourage anyone reading this to pray for me for this but also to consider this in your own life for situations that have wounded you and continue to sit heavy in your heart.  

Peace and love my friends.