How to Save a Life

So today we were driving home from the church picnic (awesome time by the way) and this song came on the radio. We were listening to 'The Message' on Sirius radio so I knew that there had to be some sort of Christian overtone to this song and I was so curious about it because it had never come across as a song of faith to me.  To be honest it always reminded me of Grey's Anatomy.  I don't remember all of the times they used it but I do remember the one that stuck out in my mind the most.   The episode was very emotionally charged and very uniquely done as the cast sang numerous songs through out it. It was the one when they were trying to save one of the doctors as well as her unborn baby. And I'm sure you can imagine that the 'unborn baby' part was what struck such a cord in this episode for me.
Anyway, like I said, I had never thought there were any Christian ties to this song and so curiosity got the best of me and I had to look it up.  Turns out it actually doesn't have a direct faith connection but it is a song written by a band where every single member is a Christian and there roots are very faith based.  Because of this it has become a 'cross over' song and has lyrics that have been pretty thought provoking in Christian circles.
It was actually written by one of the members who had struggled to support a young man at a camp program who had a very serious addiction problem.  So the song is written from the perspective of trying to help someone, to help save their life and just how hard that can be.  I thought I'd share the words and some things that came to me when I listened to it....

How To Save A Life :

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

When I was researching this song I came across some others who were inquiring as to whether this song was about trying to bring a friend to Christ or maybe even about the Lord trying to save our lives.  The response was, of course, no as it was written for someone with an addiction but that, as with all music, it's up for interpretation.  And so I thought maybe I would spend some time on interpreting.  

When I first heard this song I actually heard it as part of the scene  after Denny dies in Grey's anatomy...as part of this video and to me that was all this was about...about trying save a life medically and it not working.  I hadn't seen the whole episode but I ached for Izzy... this was long before I knew grief so intimately.  I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to try so hard to save a life and have it fail.  

And I've often wondered if that's how God feels at times.  He tries so hard to save our lives and some people are just bent on destruction.  It comes in so many forms but the ones that jump to my mind are addiction, mental illness, self-abuse, jealousy, greed and gluttony and selfishness.  

Have you ever tried to save a life?  Have you ever had someone try to save yours?  What a frustrating process it must be and how easy it is to deek left while someone else goes right.  I hadn't really thought that I'd been on either end of this but I realize now that I have.  Saving someone from themselves, even if it comes with the motivation of saving yourself from what they inflict upon you and those you love, is a very difficult job and one that comes with it's own set of baggage, it's own consequences.  Trying to tell someone that you see them on the path of destruction is hard.  Trying to push someone from the path and into one where they can get help is even more difficult I think.  If they aren't ready to hear it, ready to see it, then they just can't be bothered with you and your 'advice'.  For me it has come at times when I could so clearly see (and hear) that rationality was gone, that judgement was off and the inflicting wounds, especially on those around them, were deep and painful.  Sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes you just have nothing left to do but walk away and wonder why you came.
But when it works...oh my is it worth it.
The thing about God is that he's everywhere...you can't outrun him, you can't hide from him.  I mean look at Jonah...he ended up in the belly of a whale and still God found him and saved him.  God won't give up and when he saves us there is a great party in Heaven.
Luke 15:10 In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."
Luke 15:7
I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

God will stay up all night, he knows how to save a life. 

And what about when it does work...like this other Grey's episode of when this song was done.  This is the one that makes the hairs stand up on my arms, makes me tear up and remember the fear, the worry, the emotions that went along with my TTTS surgery, Cam's blood transfusion, the follow up appointments, the rushed trip to Toronto when my water broke and how often in those first few days when Cameron didn't move for long periods and I was sure he was gone...and of course the moments prior to his delivery by c-section.  It is the most horrifying position to be in... to need a life saved and be able to do nothing about it, for it to be all out of your control but instead in the hands of the doctors.  And sometimes that doesn't work, it isn't possible.  But sometimes that heartbeat is found, that cry is heard, that joy is found.  And whose control is that in... the Almighty Father has his hand on everything...though so often we forget to thank him.

Isaiah 49:16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

It's not the doctors who are in control, not the doctors who are saving this life, but God.  The difficult thing comes when the 'how to save a life' isn't the way we see 'saved' happening, that the saving happens to be the ultimate healing in heaven and when the life saved isn't the one who is sick, hurt or suffering but rather the lives saved are the ones left behind.  I am one of those.  I prayed that God would safe a life, prayed that he knew how.  He answered my prayer.  He saved me! 
We can only pray that those who need to be saved will allow God into their lives, their hearts and allow him to perform whatever saving methods he needs to.

Motivational Mondays - Christina's story

Today's guest post is from another fellow 'TTTS Survivors with Guardian Angels' momma, Christina.  Her story is much different then mine and yet the underlying current is the same... we see daily what could have been.
She experienced her TTTS journey almost exactly a year after mine...our 'angel' days are only 2 days apart and our survivors were born at similar gestational ages.  We met online in the first few months after her boys arrived and right away she impressed me with how active she was in helping others.
She and some other moms have found a wonderful way to support other families who are grieving a loss from TTTS and I am pleased to share her, their boys story and her project with you.

I found out I was pregnant the week after July 4^th 2010. It was my first pregnancy and just like all first time parents, my husband Jason and I were both nervous and excited.

A few weeks later I experienced some spotting and I nervously called my GYN office.

The doctor told us to come in right away for an ultrasound. I remember holding Jason’s hand on the way into the office and telling him, “I can’t loose this baby.”

Twenty minutes later I found myself laying on the examination table for an internal ultrasound. The doctor took a look at the screen and said words that no woman in that position wants to hear…”Hmm, this is interesting!” “What’s interesting?” I slowly asked.

“This is one fertilized egg, this is a sack, and this is another fertilized egg.” After a few moments of stunned silence I said “Twins?” My husband got up from his chair in the corner of the room and peered nervously at the screen. “Are their any more in there?” he asked.

We laughed and she assured us that it was just the two of them and that it was too soon to tell if they were identical.

My husband and I walked back to the car in stunned silence that slowly turned into excitement. Jason was especially excited as he is an identical twin.

The first person I called was my friend Kristi. She had two miscarriages and I called her as soon as I started spotting. She had been praying for me all morning.

“I have good news and interesting news.” I told her. “What’s going on?” she asked. I could hear the apprehension in her voice. “Their both fine!”  “No way,” she replied. She sounded as stunned as I had been just a few minutes earlier. This was the first of many such fun phone calls and encounters we would have that day.

At 14 weeks, we found out that our twins were identical. I posted about this on Facebook and soon I received a private message from an old college friend.

Her name was Tova Gold. I had gone to college with her and hung out with her often. We had not kept in very close touch over the years and months later she told me how nervous she was to write me this message.

You see she knew I would not want to hear what she had to say. No one wants to hear what she has to say because no one wants to believe that babies die. Yet she took a risk and shared the story of her daughters who are forever nicknamed Sunshine and Daisy.

Sunshine and Daisy were also identical twins. This means that like my boys they came from one egg that split (mono chorionic), lived together in one sack, and shared the same placenta. This is the most dangerous kind of twin because it means they are at risk for Twin to Twin Transfusion, a disease that is caused by an imbalance of the way the babies receive food and nutrients from the placenta. Sunshine and Daisy had succumbed to this disease in 2009.

She assured me that this disease does not happen to all twin pregnancy’s and that she didn’t want me to be upset, she wanted me to be informed so that I could be proactive about this disease and the pregnancy.

She sent me the link to her blog and also the link to the Twin To Twin Transfusion Foundation web site. I began to research the disease so I could become informed in case the worst happened.

I continued to research the disease and I found out that signs of TTTS could pop up around 16 weeks. Before our 16 week appointment I sent out an e-mail to all of my friends and family to please pray that we would not get bad news at our ultrasound.

I was so nervous on the way to the doctors that day. I received a text from my friend Kelly that read “don’t be nervous, I just know you will find out that they are two healthy girls.”

She was half right. That day we found out we were having two healthy, identical twin boys. Another set of Sporer twins to rival my husband and his brother. Both boys looked healthy and seemed to be growing as they should.

Now that we knew the sex we could start to have fun. We went to Babies R Us to register and picked tons of cute matching outfits for our boys. Two of everything. Two cribs, two high chairs, two teddy bears….

Then came our week 18 perinatologist visit. The usual routine was that the ultrasound tech would scan the twins and print the pictures. At the same time the pictures were able to be viewed in the perinatologists private office. Most times the tech would just show him a few of the pictures after we were done. Some days he would come in for a short consultation but other times we would not see him at all.

The scan of baby A seemed to be fine. We got a lot of good shots. He was being still and behaving. Baby B looked like a crazy person. He would not sit still! We joked that he would become our problem child.

Now the scan was done and Jason wanted to go get the car while I saw the doctor and got dressed. This was our normal routine but today the tech asked him to wait. She also asked the student technician to wait up. The two technicians went out into the hall and then Jason and I waited for them to return. My anxiety was mounting as the minutes ticked by. I looked at him and said “Something’s wrong.” He tried to reassure me but I could tell that he felt it too.

Finally the Perinatologist came back and uttered the words that we had been afraid to hear. It was stage 1 Twin To Twin Transfusion. Baby A was so still because he was saran wrapped in my uterus with 1.5 cm’s of fluid. Baby B was so wild because he was overrun with 8.5 cm’s of fluid at the largest visible pocket. 

The doctor told us that he was going to make us an appointment at C.H.O.P (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia) for that coming Thursday but in the meantime he would like to perform an amniotic fluid reduction on Baby B that would hopefully stabilize the T.T.T.S.

Jason held my hand as I lay on the table surrounded by Dr. Aroldi and several of his assistants. I couldn’t look at the screen or the needle so we changed the subject at talked about our favorite vacation destinations. I also spent a lot of time praying.

When he was finished I remember the Doctor said that Baby A, the “stuck” baby gave a little kick. He took this as a sign of hope that he would be okay.

We went home from the hospital and began to call our friends to deliver the sad news. I remember lying on the couch and sobbing uncontrollably.

The next day I called Tova and we had a long conversation about T.T.T.S and the many options that might lie ahead. I was so grateful to have her to talk to.

Finally it was Thursday and time to get up at the crack of dawn to drive to Philadelphia. We had a day long appointment at C.H.O.P. 

The synopsis of the day was that both boys were alive and seemed small but healthy. They had reached stage 1 TTTS but they were not candidates for surgery at this time because the amnio-reduction worked and fluids remained balanced. If the fluids became unbalanced throughout the pregnancy we would re-visit the option of surgery. The recommendation was made that we have 2 ultrasounds per week to monitor the twins.

We walked out into the night sky feeling hopeful about our situation. I told Jason I would like to name them. I called Baby A Chase. This is the name that I picked. I wanted to name the weaker twin. Every time I thought of him giving his little kick after the amnio I would start to cry. I worried that I would never get to hold him in this lifetime and I wanted to give him the one thing that I could- a name. Baby B was called Tyler. I figured that he would be with us and it would be nice to let Jason name his surviving son.

As the weeks rolled on we became more and more hopeful that all of us would come through this pregnancy alive. The ultrasounds all went well, fluids remained stable and both fetuses continued to look small but strong.

At our 21 week ultrasound Dr. Aroldi told us that he was very pleased with the results and was looking forward to watching us raise two healthy twin boys.

At this point I started to let down my guard. I believed that we were out of the woods. That T.T.T.S was a nightmare that occurred in the beginning of my pregnancy but would almost be forgotten by the end. We went back to behaving like “normal” first time parents. We took a tour of the hospital, began to plan the nursery, and I even bought a set of new matching stockings for our whole family.

Then came the second week in December 2010. I woke up on Wednesday December 15^th and prepared to go to my perinatologist appointment. Ever since we found out about the T.T.T.S we always made sure that I wasn’t alone for my appointments. If Jason had to work I would bring my mother or a friend

Jason did not have to work that day but he had been out late with his friends. I felt like something was wrong and I begged him to come with me but he refused. He told me I was over-reacting and I would be fine.Something did not sit right with me. I knew I shouldn’t be alone but by this time it was too late to find someone to go with me so I got in my car and drove to the doctor’s office.

Twenty minutes later I was laying on the table as my favorite ultrasound tech Jennifer (the one who had assisted during my amnio reduction) rubbed warm jell over my tummy. The scan of Chase went well and then she moved on to Tyler. She rubbed the wand over my belly for several seconds before she exclaimed “I can’t find a heart beat” and laid her head down on my stomach.

It wasn’t a complete shock. “Does this happen often?” I asked her, and she shook her head no. I asked her what would happen now and she told me she had to go get the perinatologist.

Dr. Bell was on duty that day. He entered the room after a few minutes and offered me his apologies. He looked at Tyler and then did a check up of Chase who seemed to be doing okay.

He told me that he thought I would have to deliver that day. “At 26 weeks?” I whispered. “He won’t be the smallest one in there.”

I got dressed and Jen walked me to the hospital, which was attached to the Doctor’s office. We had to go to C3 which was the third floor of the Centennial Wing, the high risk pregnancy floor.

Jennifer introduced me to the RN on duty, Shelly, and she walked me into a large empty hospital room. It was set up to hold two patients but thank God I was alone. She had me take off my shirt and put on a belly band and hospital gown. She let me keep on my jeans. She applied more warm gel to my tummy and strapped on a fetal heart beat monitor and a contraction monitor.

She inserted a catheter into my hand in case we needed to do an emergency c-section, I would be hooked up to I.V’s. Then she left me alone. There I sat listening to the sound of hope, Chase’s heart beat going thump thump thump thump thump.

Jason got to the hospital before noon. We spent most of the day calling relatives and watching T.V waiting for something to happen. By early evening we were joined by Dr. Aroldi and Dr. Unger the neonatologist. He explained that a fetus has a very high rate of survival outside the womb after it reaches 28 weeks. My son was only 26 weeks. Our goal was to keep me pregnant until the 28 week mark and then evaluate from there.

Delivery at 28 weeks probably meant a surviving child but it did not necessarily mean a healthy child. If born that early, Chase would be at risk for blindness, birth defects and cerebral palsy.

As it already stood we didn’t know if Chase suffered any brain damage or illness from the passing of Tyler. There is always a chance that the twin who dies can bleed out into the surviving twin and cause brain damage. A fetal M.R.I could tell us this for sure but we would have to go back To C.H.O.P to have this test. We are a pro-life family but even if we weren’t 26 weeks is too late to get an abortion so the option was not on the table. We were in it now, for better or for worse. The only thing we could do was pray.

The plan was to keep me in the hospital until 28 weeks. I would have an ultrasound every morning. At 28 weeks we would re-evaluate the situation.

The next two weeks seemed to drag on forever.  I settled into a daily routine of wake up, have breakfast then an ultrasound. Shower, dress, and spend two hours calling/texting/facebooking everyone I knew to report the news. Thankfully it was always good news. No sign of brain bleeds, strong heart beat, looks healthy.

About two days before New Years Eve. I had passed our goal of 28 weeks and Chase seemed to be fairing well. The doctor let me go home for the remainder of the pregnancy provided I went to the perinatologist office for daily ultrasounds and NST’s. 

The ultrasounds continued to look good well into January. It wasn’t until the last week of January, 2011 that Chase’s cord blood flow numbers started to decrease every day. The first “bad” ultrasound occurred on a Thursday. By Monday I was a nervous wreck. I was worried that we would lose Chase too. Dr. Bell agreed that it was time to “pull the plug” and agreed to induce labor that night.

Jason and I checked into the hospital late Monday afternoon. We tried to induce labor but I would not dilate. Around 9pm on Tuesday Chase’s oxygen levels started to fail and I was brought in for an emergency c-cection.

My Twins were born around 10 pm on Tuesday, January 25^th. Chase was rushed to the NICU and I got to spend some time with Tyler. I wasn’t prepared for how he would look and I didn’t hold him. This is my biggest regret in life. I can’t wait to hold him some day in heaven.

Chase spent almost 1 month in the NICU. He came home on February 18^th 2010. He is now a healthy and happy 2 yr. old and is the light of our lives.

About 1 year later I was chatting on-line with a bunch of other T.T.T.S loss mom’s. We all recognized the need to support mothers who are going through a new loss.

We decided that we would join together to form the T.T.T.S support team and I volunteered to be the leader of this group.

Two years later we now have 33 active members from all over the world. Some women send packages and others donate items to our group. We have had many different donations including hand made jewelry, soft slipper socks, T.T.T.S rubber “cause bracelets”, and Teeny Tears diapers for still born babies.  

We have sent approximately 69 packages to loss mom’s located all over the world. Each package is sent at no cost to the recipient, they are paid for and put together by another T.T.T.S mom.

If you are interested in receiving a package or learning more about the T.T.T.S support team you can contact me at Christina Russo Sporer on Facebook or E-mail me at chrissporer1122@gmail.com. Put T.T.T.S Support Team in the title of your e-mail.

Love them like Jesus

A few posts ago I  alluded to some conversations that I’ve had lately, some comments that have been made that have made me think about how hard life can be for some people. 
For those who aren’t aware, I deal with issues surrounding mental health on a daily basis…not my own, but those who have been there can attest to that fact that when you are immersed, or maybe submersed is a better word, in a life with someone you love experiencing a mental illness then you often feel like you might as well have the diagnosis anyway. 
Life has been tough for a few years, lots of things have happened that have caused permanent scars on the lives of everyone in my house.  But we are working on this, we have been and we will continue to. 

Today I wanted to touch on depression and God…how they two come together and how they separate too.  Depression and deep sadness is not a new thing, it’s not something our generation dreamed up nor is it something that has only existed in the last 100 years.  King David was pretty clear that his world was one that was wrought with sadness at times….

Psalm 31 9-10

⁹ Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
    my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
    my soul and body with grief. ¹⁰ My life is consumed by anguish
    and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,^[b]
    and my bones grow weak.

And like King David, people today with mental illness experience a lack of support …

¹¹ Because of all my enemies,
    I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
    those who see me on the street flee from me. ¹² I am forgotten as though I were dead;
    I have become like broken pottery.

I came across this on a Christian website and thought it applies well here….

“The church is God's hospital. It has always been full of people on the mend. Jesus himself made a point of inviting the lame, the blind, and the possessed to be healed and to accompany him in his ministry, an invitation often spurned by those who thought they were fine as is.”

But that fact is so many of us are not ‘fine as is’ and so many need support to get the help they need…or even just to be supported WHILE they are getting the help they need. 

There is no symptom more central to depression than the loss of hope and it is so easy to feel hopeless when the people around you don’t offer their support, when you feel shunned, ignored, gossiped about etc.  Where is the motivation to ‘get better’ when everyone acts these ways around you. 

But there is hope, there is support.  God is there to shelter you from the pain, the emptiness and the sense of loss…and he is so totally ok with you not being up to giving much back to him some days.  When I was in the deep dark depths of grief and could barely see the light I came across this song and it just really speaks to the heart of one who is struggling to stay afloat but still knows God loves them…

All I can Say – David Crowder Band

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
i know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And He is there, he is standing right there, he is holding us..always.  And he is ok with us not being able to give him much some days.  He understands that we don’t notice him when we are in the dark world of sadness and loss…. And oh how easy it becomes to not notice anyone around you when you are depressed, suffering from mental health issues such as manic depression, narcissism (yes this really is a diagnosis, not just someone who thinks they are the BEST!), addiction or anxiety disorders.  A big characteristic of many mental illnesses is a  self-centered attitude…either self-importance or self-loathing.   And I think God is even ok with us feeling like He has abandoned us. 
Wanna know why???Because he created us with the ability to experience love and without the ability to love you can’t have the ability to lose (because what are you losing if it isn’t something you loved in some way).  It doesn’t need to be the grief of losing a loved one.  It can be precipitated by the loss of a job, a home, a friendship, a relationship etc…but it can also be precipitated by the loss of self, the loss of who you thought you were going to be, what you were going to do with life.  God knows we will feel this way and He allows it…because he knows that if we turn to him we will eventually find the only way to really heal and that is through Him.

Sure there are lots of other ways to get help getting there. When used properly, antidepressants and cognitive behavioral therapy can restore a person’s stability so that they can better face their everyday challenges. And for those in the heart of a deep dark depression, the effects of medicine and therapy might even prompt them to praise the Lord for this form of healing. And they should give thanks. But none of these approaches provides much help in understanding or addressing the reason they are depressed.  It doesn’t address the problem of which depression is a symptom. These approaches provide needed relief, but not answers or prevention.

The medical world comes up short because they can only go as far as their understanding of the subject of the problem will take them.  They can treat the problem, the symptoms, the chemical imbalances… but they can’t treat the heart.  They can help you to see your triggers, identify areas of weakness, explore your past to find the root of the problem but what they can’t do is change the way our “fallen society's afflictions are often inscribed on the bodies of its members’.  In other words, they can’t change every person in the world so that no one impacts us in a way that evokes the feelings that precipitate a mental health issue or crisis. They can’t change that our society is full of things that can set of the strongest of minds let alone someone who is struggling with mental health and addiction.  And they most certainly can’t stop the enemy from finding the very things that attack our fragile minds and hearts and from convincing us we are worthless, useless, powerless etc. 
I never realized how much impact the Lord could have on mental health, mental stability until I came to a place where God was approached as the ultimate healer, where Jesus was your helper, your friend, the one who would listen without judgment.  And that in a place where God is looked upon in this way, his people, his church, are also much like Him and support others around them in the same manner.  It amazes me how non-judgmental the people I encounter in my faith community are.  They don’t make comments like ‘well I hope it works this time’, ‘I hope he/she doesn’t screw this up’, ‘ hopefully this time the focus will stay where it needs to be’ etc.  Instead they offer support, encouragement, praise, gratitude for what the Lord has given and unconditional love. 

Yesterday our associate pastor spoke about ‘serving with love’ and how important that is.  One of the points that really stuck with me was that ‘Serving with Love’ is a choice… a choice we all should choose but a choice all the same.  The reason we must make this choice is that we are all people….no matter our abilities or afflictions… we are all people.  Who did Jesus love on the most… the ill, the lame, the poor, the widows, the children… all of those that society shunned.  We need to stop judging and love like Jesus did…we need to choose to serve ALL others. 

Thank you to everyone who can love like Jesus!

Motivational Mondays - No foot is too small...

Today's Motivational Monday's guest blogger is a TTTS mom who I don't know well but whose story, whose strength, I admire.  Emily has done amazing things to cope with grief, to find hope in grief, to honour in grief.  Thank you Emily for letting me share you and your girls here on my blog!

Our TTTS Journey

-Emily Farwell

Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, I had never heard of it before this year. But now I am spreading awareness about it and the tragic effects it can have on babies and their families.

Last winter our journey to start a family became reality. We were so excited to become first time parents.  It had been 6 years since either side of our families had welcomed a baby. My dad was battling brain cancer and he wanted to become a grandpa again so badly.  The timing was wonderful!  We were elated but kept it quiet until the ‘magic 12 week’ mark.  At 8 weeks I went to my first ultrasound. My husband decided to not come because he’s a little squeamish about things and I myself didn’t know what to expect. He’d have lots of other appointments to come to. I told him, “Don’t worry about it, they won’t tell us anything exciting, just an estimated due date, and we can kind of figure that out.”  Famous last words, it still makes me laugh.  The ultrasound tech calmly said, “There’s one, and there’s two.” WHAT?!?! 2??? No way, no how! No one on either side of our families has ever had twins.  I thought that was the only way twins happened, besides IVF.  The tech complimented me on how cool and collected it was. I explained that I didn’t know her and didn’t want to freak out in front of her, and that I thought I was still in shock. I went to the car and called my husband to tell him everything went well and that I’d tell him details when I got home. He happened to be grocery shopping, so I made sure he had picked up beer for himself! When I got home I showed him the ultrasound pictures, to which he replied, “Do they always call it Baby A?” We had separate pictures of them and then one together. We looked at each other in disbelief for quite a while, and over the next few days wrapped our brains around it. Was our spare room big enough for 2 cribs, would my mom still provide daycare if there are 2 of them, how are we going to fit all of their stuff into our cars…? The questions were soon followed by excitement and anticipation. We always wanted 2 kids, we were just getting them at the same time. It was a good deal for me, 1 bout of morning sickness, 1 delivery, one phase of lots and lots of poopy diapers. We could do this!

So on came the morning sickness, sciatica, bad head colds, and the stretching body! Out of the 21 weeks that I carried them I felt relatively good for only 2 or 3 weeks, but feeling like crud was a small price to pay for having 2 babies. At 12 weeks I saw a Perinatologist at our local hospital, only about 10 minutes from our house. I would go there for monthly ultrasounds as they confirmed at that appointment that they were definitely momo-di, like they had suspected from my first ultrasound.  I thought like most people twins were either identical or fraternal. What did mono-di mean? We met with a Genetic counselor that day who discussed TTTS with us. What it is, what it looks like, the chances were of being effected by it, and what we could do about it, We were in a good place, close to our hospital, seeing high-risk doctors, and close to Milwaukee, where one of the leading TTTS doctors practiced, and performed the surgery if we needed it.  Things seemed to be going well for the most part, my morning sickness was starting to lessen, my belly was growing, and we were able to share our exciting news with people. At 16 weeks we found out we were having girls! At my 19 week appointment the fluid levels were starting to differ to a level that was concerning, I was put on immediate bed rest, while laying on my side and sipping my High Protein Boost.  I was now scheduled for weekly ultrasounds, and was really scared. I knew this meant things weren’t ok. I talked with Dr. DeLia from Milwaukee who worked closely with my peri.  He seemed pretty calm and collected and emailed me some resources. I knew what I had to do, so I followed his orders diligently.  I am a kindergarten teacher and I was missing the last 2 weeks of school, which was emotionally difficult, put I kept my eyes on the prize! The following week at 20 weeks gestation, it looked like my hard work and determination had paid off.  The fluid levels were balancing out a bit, bladders could be seen in both babies, dopplers were good, and their size was relatively similar. So I went back home and continued with the same routine. However, this time it was tougher on my emotionally and physically. Emotionally I struggled because I knew I may have to do this for 3 more months, I was missing my favorite time of the school year, and I was unable to go visit my dad whose health was deteriorating.  Physically, my hips hurt from laying on my side, my back was starting to hurt, I was having awful rib pain, and I was starting to get heartburn.  But I kept my eyes on the prize.

I was excited to go to my 21 week appointment; to get up and take a shower, get out of the house, see my babies, and see why I was so uncomfortable.  I had blown up like a balloon.  The ultrasound took FOREVER! Baby A was struggling, no measurable fluid, no visible bladder, and stuck down really low. Baby B was swimming in a ton of fluid and they were starting to worry about her heart.  My cervix changed as they measure it. I was scared to death. My doctor said I would need to have the laser surgery. I sobbed and sobbed. They took us into another room where we could talk. My doctor contacted Dr. DeLia in Milwaukee, where I’d go for surgery.  He wanted an amnio reduction and circlage done before I came to for the surgery. Without those 2 procedures, we would not make it to the surgery.  I walked down the hallway to Labor and Delivery. All I could think in my head was, “labor and delivery? I am NOT in labor and we are NOT delivering these babies, it’s just a room where they are doing the amnio reduction.”  So that night the amnio reduction was done. Both babies looked good the whole time. As the procedure went on my rib pain started to go away; it was from all of the extra fluid.  They removed almost 3 liters of extra fluid! Gross! I was scheduled for a circlage in the morning, and probably surgery in the next few days. I was having some cramping or contractions after the procedure, which I was told is normal because of the amount of fluid that was removed.  The uterus needs to adjust.  They gave me meds to stop the contractions, but they kept coming, getting more intense and more frequent.  They gave me more meds, but nothing was working.  Sometime in the middle of the night my water broke.  It was Baby A’s. 

That’s when I knew we were in real trouble. I knew the first 12 weeks of pregnancy were scary, and having twins at the end was scary. I knew full well that they would probably be in the NICU. I knew they may not come home at the same time, but I never let myself think that they would never come home. I never, ever though we’d be in trouble at 21 weeks! My babies were coming. How do you prepare yourself for that? They were born that afternoon 9 minutes apart.  Baby B, Catherine, actually made her appearance first, followed by Baby A, Hattie.  They were both born sleeping as labor was too tough on their tiny bodies.  They were absolutely beautiful, just so teeny tiny. Catherine was 9 inches long and Hattie was 8.5 inches.  They both weighed 10.5 ounces.   

 

The nurses dressed them in adorable matching white dresses with pink hats and wrapped them up in blankets.  They were baptized, held by both grandmas and one of their grandpas, and an aunt.  We were able to keep them with us for 24 hours; the most rewarding, amazing, sad, and heart wrenching 24 hours of my life! 24 hours I will cherish forever!  A few days later they were buried in the cemetery behind the church were we were married, next to my husband’s grandparents.

Now what? I was frozen time. I couldn’t do anything; I wasn’t supposed to be doing anything. I was supposed to be pregnant, I was supposed to be on bed rest, I was supposed to be wearing maternity clothes. I was stuck. I cried harder then I ever knew I could cry; I cried more then I ever knew I could cry. What are you supposed to do? Where’s the guide book? I believe I had a choice, I could stay right were I was, or I could move forward. (I hate the term move on, I’d never move on from this.) I made a goal for myself; Do one thing each day; go visit my dad, cook a meal, work on my baby book for angels, write a thank you; Just 1 thing. Put one foot in front of the other and see where it leads.  Little by little I started to be able to do more. 

At one point during that first month after losing the girls, I stumbled across a quote. “There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.” YES!!! That was it! That was my girls! I was madly in love with their amazing, little feet. 

Their lives needed to mean something, they needed to be remembered. 

Other people needed to know about TTTS! I drew inspiration from other TTTS angel moms that I had connected with on Facebook.  Somehow, they had turned their grief into something powerful.  They had taken something so sad and made it positive.  As I lay in bed one night in tears, it came to me: The Catherine and Hattie Photo Challenge. I wanted people to say and write their names and talk about TTTS.  Knowledge is power.  The whole world needs to know about my girls and their courageous battle! 

I stayed awake for hours thinking of how this could work.  My tears turned into a smile. Man, did that smile feel good. I was able to remember my girls with a smile! I was on to something; something that could be big, something that could be powerful.  The next morning I sat down on my computer and started typing. It poured out and my thoughts and the words came out perfectly.  I posted the challenge to my two TTTS groups on Facebook. Within minutes people from all over the US had responded to the idea. Go little feet, go! Then people from other countries started to respond to the idea.  Then I emailed friends and family who knew our story. Within a few days pictures started to come in. Each time I got one, I smiled a big smile (and maybe cried a few tears).  My girls were telling the world about TTTS. How cool is that? 

I was not at a place where I was able to share our story with all of my Facebook ‘Friends’. I had also decided when I started the Photo Challenge that it would run for a year.  For their 1^st birthday, on June 8^th, 2013.  I will pull all of the photos together to put into a book in their memory.  6 months into it I have received around 200 photos from Italy, Australia, Japan, Puerto Rico, England, France, Canada, Hawaii, North Carolina, New York, Georgia, Las Vegas, Wisconsin, and many other places in the USA.  Every time I get one I know that someone has thought about Catherine and Hattie, and I can’t describe what a great feeling that is!  My girls and their battle with TTTS have changed the world, one picture at a time.

“No foot is so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world” – literally J

Emily also shared the post below with me, with you.  I wanted to share it because I do believe in angels too.  I do not know that I have had many moments where I know that Cole has come to us, to someone I know directly.  And some people believe that the angels we encounter are never the people we actually know…so that would make.  Others still can biblically tell me that angels are not people who ever lived on earth.  All of those things may be true but I guarantee that my friend Tara Sawyer would argue with you that my son Cole did come to be with them during her pregnancy with her twin boys and has visited them lots of times since then.  I will never know for sure if this is true or not but I guarantee you that God was very present in the interactions between Tara and I and even more so in the connections between her sons and Cole, After all, Noah Cole (who is named after our own Cole) and his twin Jack Lawrence were born on February 26/10…one my boys first birthday!  

Here is Emily’s story of how her angel girls helped someone near and dear to her. 

My Angels

-Emily Farwell

Do you believe in angels? I do! And here’s why…

When our identical twin daughters, Catherine and Hattie, were born sleeping at 21 weeks on June 8, 2012, I was so devastated that I needed to believe in something, anything.  They were so tiny and so perfect, simply too beautiful for Earth. There was not a doubt in my mind that they were in Heaven. They were the newest, teeniest, tiniest, most beautiful angels to reach the pearly gates. I had to believe in something; I had to believe they were somewhere if they couldn’t be here with us.  So that’s what it was, a belief in something wonderful, a place that was wonderful enough to have my babies.

As I sat at the cemetery preparing for their funeral a little boy from my kindergarten class was undergoing experimental brain surgery. I know teachers aren’t supposed to have favorites, but what can I say, this little boy Giovanni (Gio) is definitely one of my favorites.  He suffers from an extremely rare seizure disorder, which causes him to have over 80 seizures a day!  The seizures were so sever that they caused him to be non-verbal and on the autism spectrum.  But all of that being said, he is an amazing boy with the most beautiful eyes and charming personality to match.  Because the seizures had become so bad and his quality of life was dwindling, the decision was made for experimental surgery.  That day his family and I talked to my angels all day.  They needed to help him get through this; they needed to guide the gentle hands of the surgeons!  We needed all of the help we could get for Gio!  The surgery seemed to go okay, but now the waiting game began to see what the true outcome was.  He would be in the hospital for weeks being closely monitored.

A week after he was released from the hospital I went to his house to watch him for a few hours.  He was his quiet charming self, but a bit different.  From the first day he walked into my room, I knew that he is a smart and inquisitive guy.  He was my first student to know that I was pregnant after all!  He used to put his hand on my belly, grunt, and smile at me, as if to say, “I know that you have a secret in there.”  He even knew before any of the adults at school knew! But how would he react to me not being pregnant anymore? Would he even notice? How do you explain such a sad thing to him, or do you even try to? I was full of anxiety not knowing what to do, so I didn’t do anything. I walked into his house as he squealed and ran over to me; maybe I’m one of his favorites too. J 

Anyway, after I was there for a little while he brought a book over to me and sat on the couch, as if to say, “Hey come and read this book to me!”  So we sat there next to each other; I read. He listened.  All of the sudden he touched my belly and looked up at me with the most curious brown eyes.  I simply said, “Gio, the girls are in Heaven.” His expression turned to confusion.  I said, “You know, they’re angels, the ones who were with you during your surgery, the ones who helped you and your doctors.” He gave me the biggest grin I had seen in months, a grin that said, “Oh ya, those girls, that’s who they were. Of course I know they were there with me and they helped me the whole time!”  I was speechless! I sat on the couch stunned, fighting back tears, not able to move! Did he really see them? Were they really there helping him?

Well, next came my proof. He reached up and held onto the pendant on my necklace.  My mom had bought me a necklace with a pea pod that has two peas in it, just like our identical twin girls.  He held it gently and gave me that same amazing smile again. Yup! There was my proof. Angels DO exist! They are there to help us when we need them, to watch over us, and give us strength. Our babies are okay!

Hopefully this story helps you believe too. Heaven does exist and it is filled with little angels! 

Our TTTS Journey

-Emily Farwell

Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, I had never heard of it before this year. But now I am spreading awareness about it and the tragic effects it can have on babies and their families.

Last winter our journey to start a family became reality. We were so excited to become first time parents.  It had been 6 years since either side of our families had welcomed a baby. My dad was battling brain cancer and he wanted to become a grandpa again so badly.  The timing was wonderful!  We were elated but kept it quiet until the ‘magic 12 week’ mark.  At 8 weeks I went to my first ultrasound. My husband decided to not come because he’s a little squeamish about things and I myself didn’t know what to expect. He’d have lots of other appointments to come to. I told him, “Don’t worry about it, they won’t tell us anything exciting, just an estimated due date, and we can kind of figure that out.”  Famous last words, it still makes me laugh.  The ultrasound tech calmly said, “There’s one, and there’s two.” WHAT?!?! 2??? No way, no how! No one on either side of our families has ever had twins.  I thought that was the only way twins happened, besides IVF.  The tech complimented me on how cool and collected it was. I explained that I didn’t know her and didn’t want to freak out in front of her, and that I thought I was still in shock. I went to the car and called my husband to tell him everything went well and that I’d tell him details when I got home. He happened to be grocery shopping, so I made sure he had picked up beer for himself! When I got home I showed him the ultrasound pictures, to which he replied, “Do they always call it Baby A?” We had separate pictures of them and then one together. We looked at each other in disbelief for quite a while, and over the next few days wrapped our brains around it. Was our spare room big enough for 2 cribs, would my mom still provide daycare if there are 2 of them, how are we going to fit all of their stuff into our cars…? The questions were soon followed by excitement and anticipation. We always wanted 2 kids, we were just getting them at the same time. It was a good deal for me, 1 bout of morning sickness, 1 delivery, one phase of lots and lots of poopy diapers. We could do this!

So on came the morning sickness, sciatica, bad head colds, and the stretching body! Out of the 21 weeks that I carried them I felt relatively good for only 2 or 3 weeks, but feeling like crud was a small price to pay for having 2 babies. At 12 weeks I saw a Perinatologist at our local hospital, only about 10 minutes from our house. I would go there for monthly ultrasounds as they confirmed at that appointment that they were definitely momo-di, like they had suspected from my first ultrasound.  I thought like most people twins were either identical or fraternal. What did mono-di mean? We met with a Genetic counselor that day who discussed TTTS with us. What it is, what it looks like, the chances were of being effected by it, and what we could do about it, We were in a good place, close to our hospital, seeing high-risk doctors, and close to Milwaukee, where one of the leading TTTS doctors practiced, and performed the surgery if we needed it.  Things seemed to be going well for the most part, my morning sickness was starting to lessen, my belly was growing, and we were able to share our exciting news with people. At 16 weeks we found out we were having girls! At my 19 week appointment the fluid levels were starting to differ to a level that was concerning, I was put on immediate bed rest, while laying on my side and sipping my High Protein Boost.  I was now scheduled for weekly ultrasounds, and was really scared. I knew this meant things weren’t ok. I talked with Dr. DeLia from Milwaukee who worked closely with my peri.  He seemed pretty calm and collected and emailed me some resources. I knew what I had to do, so I followed his orders diligently.  I am a kindergarten teacher and I was missing the last 2 weeks of school, which was emotionally difficult, put I kept my eyes on the prize! The following week at 20 weeks gestation, it looked like my hard work and determination had paid off.  The fluid levels were balancing out a bit, bladders could be seen in both babies, dopplers were good, and their size was relatively similar. So I went back home and continued with the same routine. However, this time it was tougher on my emotionally and physically. Emotionally I struggled because I knew I may have to do this for 3 more months, I was missing my favorite time of the school year, and I was unable to go visit my dad whose health was deteriorating.  Physically, my hips hurt from laying on my side, my back was starting to hurt, I was having awful rib pain, and I was starting to get heartburn.  But I kept my eyes on the prize.

I was excited to go to my 21 week appointment; to get up and take a shower, get out of the house, see my babies, and see why I was so uncomfortable.  I had blown up like a balloon.  The ultrasound took FOREVER! Baby A was struggling, no measurable fluid, no visible bladder, and stuck down really low. Baby B was swimming in a ton of fluid and they were starting to worry about her heart.  My cervix changed as they measure it. I was scared to death. My doctor said I would need to have the laser surgery. I sobbed and sobbed. They took us into another room where we could talk. My doctor contacted Dr. DeLia in Milwaukee, where I’d go for surgery.  He wanted an amnio reduction and circlage done before I came to for the surgery. Without those 2 procedures, we would not make it to the surgery.  I walked down the hallway to Labor and Delivery. All I could think in my head was, “labor and delivery? I am NOT in labor and we are NOT delivering these babies, it’s just a room where they are doing the amnio reduction.”  So that night the amnio reduction was done. Both babies looked good the whole time. As the procedure went on my rib pain started to go away; it was from all of the extra fluid.  They removed almost 3 liters of extra fluid! Gross! I was scheduled for a circlage in the morning, and probably surgery in the next few days. I was having some cramping or contractions after the procedure, which I was told is normal because of the amount of fluid that was removed.  The uterus needs to adjust.  They gave me meds to stop the contractions, but they kept coming, getting more intense and more frequent.  They gave me more meds, but nothing was working.  Sometime in the middle of the night my water broke.  It was Baby A’s. 

That’s when I knew we were in real trouble. I knew the first 12 weeks of pregnancy were scary, and having twins at the end was scary. I knew full well that they would probably be in the NICU. I knew they may not come home at the same time, but I never let myself think that they would never come home. I never, ever though we’d be in trouble at 21 weeks! My babies were coming. How do you prepare yourself for that? They were born that afternoon 9 minutes apart.  Baby B, Catherine, actually made her appearance first, followed by Baby A, Hattie.  They were both born sleeping as labor was too tough on their tiny bodies.  They were absolutely beautiful, just so teeny tiny. Catherine was 9 inches long and Hattie was 8.5 inches.  They both weighed 10.5 ounces.   

- See more at: http://katbiggie.com/ttts-tuesday-catherine-and-hatties-story/#sthash.I2EUpoCX.dpuf

Our TTTS Journey

-Emily Farwell

Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, I had never heard of it before this year. But now I am spreading awareness about it and the tragic effects it can have on babies and their families.

Last winter our journey to start a family became reality. We were so excited to become first time parents.  It had been 6 years since either side of our families had welcomed a baby. My dad was battling brain cancer and he wanted to become a grandpa again so badly.  The timing was wonderful!  We were elated but kept it quiet until the ‘magic 12 week’ mark.  At 8 weeks I went to my first ultrasound. My husband decided to not come because he’s a little squeamish about things and I myself didn’t know what to expect. He’d have lots of other appointments to come to. I told him, “Don’t worry about it, they won’t tell us anything exciting, just an estimated due date, and we can kind of figure that out.”  Famous last words, it still makes me laugh.  The ultrasound tech calmly said, “There’s one, and there’s two.” WHAT?!?! 2??? No way, no how! No one on either side of our families has ever had twins.  I thought that was the only way twins happened, besides IVF.  The tech complimented me on how cool and collected it was. I explained that I didn’t know her and didn’t want to freak out in front of her, and that I thought I was still in shock. I went to the car and called my husband to tell him everything went well and that I’d tell him details when I got home. He happened to be grocery shopping, so I made sure he had picked up beer for himself! When I got home I showed him the ultrasound pictures, to which he replied, “Do they always call it Baby A?” We had separate pictures of them and then one together. We looked at each other in disbelief for quite a while, and over the next few days wrapped our brains around it. Was our spare room big enough for 2 cribs, would my mom still provide daycare if there are 2 of them, how are we going to fit all of their stuff into our cars…? The questions were soon followed by excitement and anticipation. We always wanted 2 kids, we were just getting them at the same time. It was a good deal for me, 1 bout of morning sickness, 1 delivery, one phase of lots and lots of poopy diapers. We could do this!

So on came the morning sickness, sciatica, bad head colds, and the stretching body! Out of the 21 weeks that I carried them I felt relatively good for only 2 or 3 weeks, but feeling like crud was a small price to pay for having 2 babies. At 12 weeks I saw a Perinatologist at our local hospital, only about 10 minutes from our house. I would go there for monthly ultrasounds as they confirmed at that appointment that they were definitely momo-di, like they had suspected from my first ultrasound.  I thought like most people twins were either identical or fraternal. What did mono-di mean? We met with a Genetic counselor that day who discussed TTTS with us. What it is, what it looks like, the chances were of being effected by it, and what we could do about it, We were in a good place, close to our hospital, seeing high-risk doctors, and close to Milwaukee, where one of the leading TTTS doctors practiced, and performed the surgery if we needed it.  Things seemed to be going well for the most part, my morning sickness was starting to lessen, my belly was growing, and we were able to share our exciting news with people. At 16 weeks we found out we were having girls! At my 19 week appointment the fluid levels were starting to differ to a level that was concerning, I was put on immediate bed rest, while laying on my side and sipping my High Protein Boost.  I was now scheduled for weekly ultrasounds, and was really scared. I knew this meant things weren’t ok. I talked with Dr. DeLia from Milwaukee who worked closely with my peri.  He seemed pretty calm and collected and emailed me some resources. I knew what I had to do, so I followed his orders diligently.  I am a kindergarten teacher and I was missing the last 2 weeks of school, which was emotionally difficult, put I kept my eyes on the prize! The following week at 20 weeks gestation, it looked like my hard work and determination had paid off.  The fluid levels were balancing out a bit, bladders could be seen in both babies, dopplers were good, and their size was relatively similar. So I went back home and continued with the same routine. However, this time it was tougher on my emotionally and physically. Emotionally I struggled because I knew I may have to do this for 3 more months, I was missing my favorite time of the school year, and I was unable to go visit my dad whose health was deteriorating.  Physically, my hips hurt from laying on my side, my back was starting to hurt, I was having awful rib pain, and I was starting to get heartburn.  But I kept my eyes on the prize.

I was excited to go to my 21 week appointment; to get up and take a shower, get out of the house, see my babies, and see why I was so uncomfortable.  I had blown up like a balloon.  The ultrasound took FOREVER! Baby A was struggling, no measurable fluid, no visible bladder, and stuck down really low. Baby B was swimming in a ton of fluid and they were starting to worry about her heart.  My cervix changed as they measure it. I was scared to death. My doctor said I would need to have the laser surgery. I sobbed and sobbed. They took us into another room where we could talk. My doctor contacted Dr. DeLia in Milwaukee, where I’d go for surgery.  He wanted an amnio reduction and circlage done before I came to for the surgery. Without those 2 procedures, we would not make it to the surgery.  I walked down the hallway to Labor and Delivery. All I could think in my head was, “labor and delivery? I am NOT in labor and we are NOT delivering these babies, it’s just a room where they are doing the amnio reduction.”  So that night the amnio reduction was done. Both babies looked good the whole time. As the procedure went on my rib pain started to go away; it was from all of the extra fluid.  They removed almost 3 liters of extra fluid! Gross! I was scheduled for a circlage in the morning, and probably surgery in the next few days. I was having some cramping or contractions after the procedure, which I was told is normal because of the amount of fluid that was removed.  The uterus needs to adjust.  They gave me meds to stop the contractions, but they kept coming, getting more intense and more frequent.  They gave me more meds, but nothing was working.  Sometime in the middle of the night my water broke.  It was Baby A’s. 

That’s when I knew we were in real trouble. I knew the first 12 weeks of pregnancy were scary, and having twins at the end was scary. I knew full well that they would probably be in the NICU. I knew they may not come home at the same time, but I never let myself think that they would never come home. I never, ever though we’d be in trouble at 21 weeks! My babies were coming. How do you prepare yourself for that? They were born that afternoon 9 minutes apart.  Baby B, Catherine, actually made her appearance first, followed by Baby A, Hattie.  They were both born sleeping as labor was too tough on their tiny bodies.  They were absolutely beautiful, just so teeny tiny. Catherine was 9 inches long and Hattie was 8.5 inches.  They both weighed 10.5 ounces.   

- See more at: http://katbiggie.com/ttts-tuesday-catherine-and-hatties-story/#sthash.I2EUpoCX.dpuf