This morning I woke, like I do every December 13th since 2008, remembering how I woke 15 years ago....feeling strong movements from Cole's side of the womb and feeling so optimistic, so sure that everything was going to be ok.
I came into my office and read through all of what I'd written during advent last year and realized why this year has seemed easier. Last year I worked through a lot of my emotions and did a lot of praying and I put some things to rest so to speak and was very much at peace. I had realized so much about myself last year and explored a lot of the 'whys' I had. It was so good to remember the journey I took last year because this year I thought I was disconnected as I just didn't seem to be feeling the sadness that often surrounds me in December. I brought it up at church before prayer on Sunday and said that I was feeling guilty because of this disconnect. Now I realize that it wasn't disconnect...though there was a lot of distraction with our annual fundraiser going on plus planning a family Christmas...it was actually just peace and contentment, acceptance.
We actually talked about the theme of peace on Sunday and what that means to each of us. For me the word that came to mind was acceptance. With peace comes acceptance. With acceptance comes peace. I can't change what happened but I can accept that it is the journey my life is taking and only I can make the choice to use this journey in a way to positively affect the world.
And so my mind was filled with a certainty that this year was different because of the journey I took last year and that perhaps, this year, I would not struggle with tears and sadness on this day like I have in other years. So I decided to go back and read through other blog posts from this day in years gone by. Many of them showed me just how far I've come, just how much God has worked on my heart to see this day differently. It reminded me of how much hope came out of the darkness of this day.
And I was doing great until I found a link within a blog that took me to a recount of this day that I wrote a few years ago when I actually wrote out my testimony and shared it throughout December. It was this post that I am talking about, and this post that did me in today.
I will never forget so many moments from that day 15 years ago. The memories are so vivid, and, sometimes, so painful. And today I cried, sobbed actually, as I read through this and pictured that day so vividly again. It truly was the worst day of my life and it's still so painful to remember those things. I wanted to stop reading. I wanted to click off that link and go back to just writing about the peace I truly do feel about our journey. But truth be told I also wanted to relive it, to push myself deep into that memory.
Why????
Well part of me wonders if it's because I'm afraid if I forget how painful it was, that I am forgetting Cole. But a bigger part of me feels, no knows, that remembering how painful it was and how hard the journey was at this time and even going forward for many months is remembering how far I've come, remembering what this journey did for my faith, for my character, for my heart. It shows me that what I was reminded of in my morning devo today.... that in Genesis 50:20 Joseph speaks to his brothers about 'what they intended for evil against him, God meant it for good'. It's often been something I've thought and prayed about....how the enemy intends things for evil but God has the upper hand and he brings it about to be good. In our case the enemy wanted to destroy us with this grief. He wanted us to lose our faith, destroy our marriage, ruin our finances etc. But God is so good and he had such big plans for us, such big plans for the people Cole left behind when he went to heaven.
So those tears I shed this morning were all worth it because they remind me of how hard the start of this journey was, how dark and alone I felt, how painful everything seemed. They remind me that many tears have been shed since then but many of them, in recent years anyway, aren't full of heartbreaking sadness any longer. They are just tears of remembrance and tears of love. They are tears that show me, like tears fall down our faces and leave us, so does the darkness of difficult times. The tears make way for bright eyes, eyes that see the world differently.
On Sunday a dear friend prayed for me to find clarity and peace this week but she also thanked God for Cole and the lives he's impacted....those of the people who knew him and loved in the months he was alive in 2008, in the months after he passed and was then born and we said goodbye but also those people who's lives have been impacted by him and all he's inspired in others who never even knew him (or us for that matter) in those days.
