Have you ever thought that you are living in someone's shadow? Have you ever thought that you carry more baggage then you should have to, then is really yours to carry or wondered at the heaviness that seems to be a part of your heart and aren't even sure how it got there? Have you ever looked at someone else oh, maybe even your own children, and wondered how they are going to make out with the hand life has dealt them? I ask these questions because in the last few years I've had a few encounters with friends who've lost a child and, in watching their grief journey, in remembering our own grief journey, I often wonder about the siblings, especially the surviving twin sibling, and how our grief manifests in them.
Very early in my loss journey, probably within the first 6 months or so, a relative of mine contacted me with concerns about how much I talked about Cole. She spoke from the heart because she grew up under the shadow of loss herself. Her sister was killed in a car accident and life in their house was never the same again. Not surprising, how could life ever be the same after you lose a child or sibling? But her concern wasn't really about life not being the same but rather about my own children growing up feeling like they were being compared to their sibling that had passed away. It's sort of that comparison that can leave the person feeling like they're just not enough.
At the time I was a little bit hurt and yet really appreciated the wake-up call. It made me reevaluate how I presented things to my kids and it made me more cautious about how Cameron perceived his twinship.
I think I've done a good job but it's also been a 10-year project in the making. We've always been very cautious and how we talked about TTTS to Cameron and and how Cole’s illness, the cause of his death, is presented to him. For those of you who don't really understand what happened in TTTS, in mono di twins the babies share a placenta. As that placenta was formed, vessels grew across it connecting one baby to the other. In about 80% of the cases this is not a problem, although the babies are connected, the blood stays circulating within each baby side of the placenta and there are no issues. But in 20% of the cases something happens and the blood begins to shunt from one baby, the donor, across the placenta and into the other baby, the recipient. And that's what happened with my boys. Cameron was giving up blood and it was travelling across the placenta into Cole. It made his heart work harder, which made him urinate more, which increased the fluid that he was swimming in, which made his heart work even harder. I guess just a vicious circle. If we presented that to Cameron, in the wrong way, he could have grown up believing that he caused his brother's death but giving him his blood. Or if he'd been the recipient, the Cole in the situation, he could have grown up believing that he took so much from his brother that he caused his twin's death. So we've always been really cautious on how we presented it.
But that's not the only reason we were cautious. We also have never wanted Cameron to grow up thinking he wasn't enough. We've always wanted him to understand that he was his own person, and although he is a twin, he is not half, not a portion, not an incomplete part. He is an individual and he is awesome. And while we wish his brother was here, that doesn't take away from who he is and what he has become. We celebrate how awesome it is that he has a twin brother, that God chose them to grow together right from the start. But we stop it there. We separate it at that point and choose to celebrate the amazing gifts God gave each of our kids and make sure they know how proud we are of them. We let them know they are wanted, loved, cherished and valued individuals and members of our family. We want them to know that they are enough.
All children need to grow up feeling this way but I think it’s especially important when they are growing up after the trauma of losing a sibling...even if they were too young to remember. I am not saying that they should not grow up knowing about their sibling. The exact opposite actually. They need to know about them, to hear about them and feel the love you have for them so they can connect with them too. But they also need a healthy balance between life and death, between gentle loving reminders and constant connections. A balance between some tributes, photos and mementos and visual reminders in every room. A balance between their name spoken occasionally and their name being part of every conversation. A balance between celebrating the milestones they are achieving and grieving over the fact that their twin isn't their to celebrate this milestone.
The biggest reason for this, in my opinion, is because they need to feel that they are important, that they are enough, that you are delighted in them. They continued to live and build memories. Their life didn’t stop. They need to see that celebrated. They need to feel that celebration with all the positive, life giving energy you’ve got. Their photo wall gets to keep growing. Their shelf of things that remind you of them keeps expanding. They keep getting bigger and that means the shadow they cast should also keep getting bigger. They shouldn’t be growing up under a shadow and they won’t be if they are celebrated for the joyful blessing that they are. Let their milestones and achievements be theirs, let them have their birthdays, their first steps, their first haircuts, their first day of school or sports be theirs and theirs alone. In your heart you can weep for what should have been but our surviving twins and our surviving children need to feel celebrated without any shadows over them!